20 Things American Waiters Would Say if They Were Honest

We all know that waiters and waitresses are doing a job and it’s usually a very thankless job; but it pays the bills. And while some of us are terrified to send our food back when it’s completely wrong, we do it anyway and just hope that no one is going to spit in it or do anything else disgusting. While most staff won’t do that at a restaurant, there are some things that they wish they could say to you if they were being totally honest. And there are some things that they just can’t say. So we thought we might break down a few of their, “I wish I could say this to you right now,” moments.

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Your Jokes Aren’t Funny

You are so annoying and you think you’re funny, but you’re not. I’m laughing at your dumb jokes because if I want a tip, I have to make you feel good about yourself and make you seem like you’re having a great time. But I really wish you’d just shut up, stop talking and hurry up with your food so that you can get out of here as fast as possible so that I can fake laugh at someone else for a bit.

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The Food’s not Good

You want me to recommend something to you on the menu so that you can eat something delicious, but I actually hate the food here and I’d never touch it. So what I’m going to do is recommend something to you that’s completely random, or maybe just really expensive so that I can up my tip a little bit and hopefully get out of working this job as quickly as possible so that I can do something I really enjoy, like not serve you food.

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I Don’t Have a Favorite Dish

I really don’t. I already told you that I hate the food here, so asking me which dish is my favorite is like asking me which character on a television show that I don’t watch and have never watched is my favorite. I’m going to make it up and you’re not going to like it either and it’s going to be all my fault. But I’d rather you were mad at me than my bosses for recommending you not eat here at all. So, you know.

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I’m a Vegetarian so I Don’t Eat Here

Do you know that some people don’t eat certain food, but that does not stop them from actually serving it? Having never been a waitress in my life, I can say that I’ve never had this issue, but I do wonder about it at times. Sometimes you’ll ask someone for something that they wouldn’t eat and it kind of kills them to serve it to you, but they do want that paycheck.

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I Hate You

It’s not entirely accurate to assume that all wait staff hate you, but there are some people in the world that this is probably very true for. Some people are just really annoying. You might not be one of them, but you might be one of them. If you’re so annoying that you can’t let your waiter do his job with other tables, he probably really does hate you a lot. So keep that in mind in the future. Be nice and not annoying.

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I’m Hungover

A lot of wait staff spend a long time in the restaurant after it closes so that they can hang out with the bartender and have some drinks, and many of them are quite hungover when they show up for work the next day as a result. So they look like they’re suffering because they are suffering, and that’s just the way that the world works. So your waiter won’t say it to you, but lower your voice because it’s hurting their head.

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I’m Sick

Don’t you love it when someone shows up to work sick? No one likes coming to work sick, especially when they have to serve people all night long. So your waiter is probably going to keep that from you so that you don’t get all grossed out and angry and leave without giving them a good tip. But guess what? You’re probably going to end up sick, too, so you’re going to have to deal with that one. You’ll end up blaming it on someone at work or at home, too.

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Your Baby is Going to Make my Night

Your baby might or might not be cute- some really just are adorable. But waiters aren’t going to tell you that yours is not cute. They’re going to say your baby is cute and pretend not to be so annoyed that your toddler is throwing food all over the place they’re going to have to clean up later on. They’re not going to say that, but they are going to make sure you are out of there as quickly as possible so that they don’t  have to suffer through the baby-ness.

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I’m Not Asking the Chef

Will you ask the chef if I can have this special dish that has all this stuff on it made a completely different way so that I don’t have to eat it this way? “Of course,” says the waiter. That is a total lie. She’s going to walk away, take care of something else and then make it a point to come back and tell you that the chef she never actually spoke to said that your request is not really doable and that you’re not going to get it your way after all. If you want it your way, go to Burger King.

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I ate your Fries

Do you know how many people dig their fingers through your food on the way out of the kitchen and to the table? Let me take care of that one for you; you don’t actually want to know about this. It’s not something you want to know. Just remember that the next time that you order something with easily accessible items on the plate. You have no idea whether or not someone just took care of eating your fries before bringing them out to you.

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I saw you Staring at my ……

Even those who work in restaurants in which their assets are supposed to be out and their shorts are supposed to be short don’t want you staring at them. They want your money, but they don’t want you looking or asking to touch or spending the evening asking if she is on the menu. Refer to the above mentioned, “I hate you,” statement and assume that this waitress is actually talking about you right now and every time she has a customer like you.

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Be Nice to Me or I Won’t Be Nice to your Food

That’s what we are all afraid of. The nicer you are to the person handling your food, the better. He or she has all the power in this situation, and they are making it possible for you to have something that’s good for you or something that’s not good for you. So go ahead and assume that the nicer you are, the more likely you are to have food that’s been taken care of and really handled with care. Otherwise, good luck to you and what you eat.

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I Could do that, But I’m Lazy

She could give you your food with that on the side, or get you something you want, but she’s feeling lazy so she’s going to tell you that she can’t, or that they’re out or that there is no more. There probably is, but that’s just her way of not having to do so much work. So, you know, sorry about that. It’s time to move on and choose something else off the menu that doesn’t create so much work for her.

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Your Appetizer isn’t Taking Forever, I Forgot about You

Ever wait so long for food that your waiter is telling you that it’ll be out any minute that things are super backed up right now? Yeah, that didn’t happen. What actually happened is that she totally forgot about you when she was doing other things and no one ever actually ordered your appetizer, so she’s going to do that right now and bring it out to you as soon as it’s done and then blame the kitchen or the delay in getting your food to you.

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The Bar isn’t Backed Up, I Forgot about You

Here you go again; someone orders a cocktail and she totally forgets to go up there and make sure someone has that order on hand. She’s going to eventually bring you some water and tell you she’s so super sorry that things didn’t work out for you and that she’s having the bar make the drink right now. They were so backed up, though, you know? But they weren’t; she forgot about you and probably will again.

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I’m Only Smiling so You’ll Tip Me

Your favorite waitress might seem like she loves you, but she’s only smiling at you because she wants your money. Of course, this is not always true, but it is true for most people. The wait staff industry really does know how to make people feel good about themselves so that they can have a bigger tip and other people can get up and get out as quickly as possible without interrupting them and/or making them do any more work than is absolutely necessary.

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I Recommend the Restaurant Across the Street

When you come in with a rowdy party of 29 or you have a screaming kid or 3 big kids running around like animals or you’re just annoying, that’s what your server wants to say to you instead of telling you that the specials are really good. Sometimes people don’t want to take care of you and they might even have a little argument about it in the back so that they don’t actually have to do it for you. It’s just how things happen sometimes, and we can’t help but wonder if it’s ever happened to us in the past.

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Your Baby is So Sweet

Your baby is sweet, to you. Actually, your baby might be really sweet and adorable and perfect, but no one really wants to have to take care of a table with a baby at it because they are not sure how things are going to go at that point. Will the evening be a successful one with said baby, or will the baby be a total nightmare and end up making the server completely miserable? There is no real way to know until the meal is over, so the server is just going to try and get you out of there as fast as possible so your baby doesn’t become his or her problem.

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Sometimes I Ignore You On Purpose

That one time you were waving your empty glass around in the air and trying to get her attention and it seems like she didn’t see you? She totally saw you and she ignored you completely because that was completely irritating and very annoying to her. She would rather you just ask nicely than wave things in the air like she’s a maid and required to do things for you that she doesn’t want to do. In fact, we think that you should just go ahead and politely ask for something new in case she really didn’t notice your empty drink. Don’t wave it around in the air.

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If You Don’t Want that to Go, I’ll Eat it in the Back

It happens all the time. Your server is hungry and doesn’t want to pay for food, so they will just eat a portion of yours if you look like a clean person and they can tell you haven’t touched much of it with anything that’s already been in your mouth. I think this sounds pretty gross, but it happens all the time though no one is going to say a word about it.

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