
I donât know about you, but I was a perfect parent â before I had kids. Suddenly I was holding this tiny baby and I was not the parent that I thought Iâd be. Oh, sure, I had amazing intentions. In fact, I wasnât yet aware that I was not even close to a perfect parent 7 years ago when our oldest was born. She did nothing but sleep and be all adorable and stuff, and I was rocking the parenting thing. She slept, ate, and I still had time to do my hair and makeup everyday; and we took her out with us all the time to shop and eat and enjoy social occasion.
We were amazing parents; exactly the parents we thought weâd be.
And then one day we were not. It happened right about the time she began moving around on her own. Suddenly she wasnât so easy. She didnât want to sit in the stroller or the cart at the supermarket anymore. Suddenly I was that mom in Publix at 9 am handing her a cookie, and then a balloon and then a new sippy cup and then whatever she wanted to shut her up.
I wasnât perfect anymore. And I didnât care. By the time baby number two came around, we really became slackers. Iâm not even going to tell you what happened when the twins were born last year. I mean, theyâre probably up in their room smoking and drinking and throwing a kegger, and I donât care because theyâre quiet (priorities, right?). Iâm not the mother I thought Iâd be. Annoyingly, my husband is exactly the kind of father I thought heâd be. Heâs sweet, patient, kind and amazing. The kids love him endlessly and he can sit down and play with them for hours at a time while Iâm five minutes in and already wondering if Iâve put in sufficient playtime. And thatâs just one of the many ways that I am certainly not the kind of parent I thought Iâd be. Read on to find out where else Iâve failed from my original expectations.
Bottles in bed
Baby number one never had a bottle in bed, and believe me when I judged all the awful parents that gave their kids bottles in bed. Baby number two is four-and-a-half and she and our 18-month-old twins take a cup of water to bed at every nap and every night. Sorry, not sorry. We have four kids and all of them are amazing sleepers. If it takes a cup of water to make them get their adorable behinds in bed on time and sleep for the next 13 hours, so be it. Iâm not above it anymore.
DVDs in the car
Our kids would sing lovely educational songs along with me in a lovely voice and we would visit and talk about our days and we will bond in the car. DVDs are obviously for lazy parents that donât care about their kids.
Barbie and âFrozenâ are on repeat in the DVD player in my car and I will never drive an SUV without a DVD player and wireless headsets for all four kids â ever.
Television in general
Television rots the brain and itâs not good for kids. So obviously ours would be too creative and intelligent for television. And then Dora taught my kid to count to 10 in Spanish and say her alphabet and recognize her colors and now they all have televisions in their bedrooms and Bubble Guppies is on all day long every single day in the living room and on the porch for the babies.
Go ahead and judge, but when our kids are driving us nuts we can convince them that if they can clean their rooms really quickly we will let them watch television in bed on a school night for a whole half an hour.
And then we stick them in bed a half hour earlier than usual so that they can watch television without interrupting bedtime and we can enjoy the peace and quiet. Judge if you must, but we win. Quiet time together, clean bedrooms we didnât have to bother with and we donât even have to teach our own kids their ABCs.
Educational play time
Before we had kids, our imaginary play time was very educational. In reality, the only education our kids are getting during playtime with us is that mommy and daddy do not like it when you use that loud and obnoxious voice, so kill it, kid.
Outside time
Whatâs that?
Itâs hot. Weâre Floridians. If our kids are outside, theyâre in the pool or we are on the boat. Otherwise, we donât do outside. We might do outside in December for a few nights. Weâll see.
Fun family trips
We take more solo vacations as a couple than we ever did before we had kids, and we traveled a lot before kids. Okay, not really, but we do take them on vacation. And we always regret that decision. We pretend itâs fun, but itâs not. Itâs not what we thought, and we know it.
Perfectly coiffed kids
Our kids are beautiful. I might be a tiny bit biased, but Iâm not blind; our kids are freaking gorgeous. I mean, absolutely beautiful. And they were perfectly dressed every single moment of their lives when they were too small to move. The twins are still pretty perfect. Our son sports his LaCoste Polos and his Sperry Boat Shoes and a Gator hat and his twin sister rocks the Ralph Lauren dresses and little Kate Spade tops and pink sparkly Sperryâs with perfect pigtails every single day.
Our 7-year-old looks like a 7-year-old who is learning to dress herself and is pretty good about it. Our 4-year-old looks like a homeless child who hasnât taken a bath in months or ever encountered a hair brush. Listen, people; I have four kids. Sheâs bathed every single night whether she likes it or not, and if she wants to head out in a cowboy boot on one foot, a ballet flat on the other and a mermaid costume over the Frozen dress we have to wash every night sometimes because itâs all she ever wants to wear for two or three days at a time, so be it. Donât care â we donât like being late for school.
Bath time
Our big kids were bathed every single night. Every single night. They never missed a bath. Even when people would claim their own kids were âclean enoughâ after a day in the pool, we were secretly horrified. Ew.
I canât even remember the last the time the twins had a real bath. Maybe last week? Definitely; my mother-in-law was here with them while we were in New York, and she always does bath time with them. We usually stick them in the sink (on a good night) or rub them down with baby wipes before slathering them with lotion. On a good note, however, theyâll probably learn to bathe themselves a lot faster than the girls ever did.
Meal time
Theyâll eat what we eat; healthy, amazing food. Theyâll love fresh salmon and edamame. Theyâll want Greek yogurt and fruit for breakfast. Theyâll be little darlings at the dinner table.
Reality â we cannot buy enough Pepperidge Farm goldfish when theyâre on sale 10 for $10 at Publix. Itâs breakfast, lunch and dinner. Lunchables at lunch time, check. McDonalds for dinner, got it. A cookie in the store, yes. The babies still eat whatever we give them and our 4-year-old is addicted to things like green bell pepper and cucumber and strawberries. Sheâs a healthy eater like you would not believe, but she does not eat what we eat. We always find ourselves making her a different vegetable plate. Whatever â sheâs alive.
Behavior
Clearly we intended for our kids to be perfect. Theyâd always use their manners, theyâd suggest donating their toys to the less fortunate and theyâd love to clean their rooms and help with dishes and they really never argue with us because they understand we are the parents and we know best.
Sorry â I had to take a few moments to stop laughing hysterically.
The only thing our kids do on this list is use their manners like champs. They are âPleaseâ and âThank youâ and âYes maâamâ and âNo sir,â professionals. Aside from that, theyâre kind of brats. As long as no one is killing anyone else, getting into trouble in public or being disrespectful, however, we usually ignore them.
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