We’ve all seen the show Dance Moms. I’ll admit that it’s been on for years and I only just watched it for the first time about a month ago. I came home from cheer practice with my oldest daughter and while she was showering and preparing for bed, it came on television. We didn’t watch it, but we kind of watched it as we went about making lunches for the girls for school the next day and straightening up the kitchen.
What a trainwreck.
I mean, honestly; I’ve never encountered such a petty, ridiculous group of women. Arguing over the silliest and least important things life has to offer, yelling at their children’s dance coach and basically making a terrible example of maturity and adulthood in front of their children. I’d heard that Abby, the owner of the dance studio, was the awful one, but listening to these parents speak to her as they did made me wonder if she’s awful because of what she has to deal with on a regular basis.
I learned nothing – nothing – from watching this show except what I already knew; parents ruin everything. Upon pointing that out to my husband he replied, “That’s not entirely true. You did learn how not to behave from those women,” and he is correct (as always, but I’ll deny saying that if anyone ever tells him). On that note, here are a few excellent ways to be awful as taught to us by Dance Moms.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Interrupt Everyone
No one really has anything that interesting or important to say to begin with, so please do your best to interrupt everyone as often as possible. In fact, the moment someone else opens their mouth to say something, open yours and argue with them nonstop. It’s the only way; they’re so boring and what they have to say is dumb.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Always Raise your Voice
Talking quietly and using a rational tone of voice will get you nowhere. Raise your voice, yell and try very hard to ensure that you are able to be heard over everyone else. Don’t be afraid to get shriek-y and a little crazy. In fact, the more irrational you can become, the better.
Don’t Listen to your Kids
Kids are overrated, and your job as a parent is to make sure that they are here to be seen and not heard. Of course, if they’re not cute enough on any given day, leave them home because no one wants to see a kid that isn’t cute.
Dance Moms Teaches Us Respect is Overrated
Who needs it, anyway? Respect is so last century. Be rude, be aggressive and be mean. It’s far more flattering than being kind, generous and respectful. Remember – Aretha Franklin might have said it’s time to show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T but she didn’t mean it literally. She was just looking to make a few bucks on a hit song.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Try Very Hard to Make Kids Feel Inadequate
Kids are our future. They are the future presidents and vice presidents and doctors and professors and corporate CEOs and inventors and entrepreneurs – so please, make them feel as inadequate as possible so that they develop no self-esteem. We need cowardly, weak humans running our country – oh wait…
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Not feel Poorly about Calling Kids Names
If your child is acting stupid, by all means tell your child he or she is acting stupid. If your child happens to help herself to a second serving of those potatoes you made with dinner, please point out that she’s already looking a bit chubby and getting kind of fat. We wouldn’t want her to feel good about herself, after all. And don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Point out your Child’s Flaws
Yes, this is so important. Constructive criticism teaches no one anything but how to be tactful and polite – and how to improve themselves. That’s dumb. Let’s make sure we point out our kids’ flaws in the meanest and most aggressive way possible. After all, they need to toughen up and man up, right?
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Make Pettiness your Life Goal
If at all possible, please become the most two-faced, petty, disgusting person you know. Don’t settle for anything less than the absolute best of the worst. If you’re unsure how to become this heinous, perhaps you can start by being morbidly unhappy for all people in your life who have anything positive going on. For example, “Oh, you got a promotion to president of the company? That’s so nice. I’m glad you’ll be making a million dollars a year and able to retire your husband so he can spend more time with the kids. I’m sure he’ll be sleeping with the neighbor’s wife in a week, flat,” or “Oh, you’re expecting a baby after years of infertility and heartache? That’s amazing – you’re going to get so fat and probably not lose that weight, but I’m so super happy for you!”
Remember – being petty is the goal. Petty, unhappy and miserable; work on it.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Not Worry about Setting a Good Example
Your kids need to learn the hard way; that’s the best way. Instead of setting a good example of what it looks like to be a good, kind, responsible adult, make sure you show them how to be rude, hateful and angry all the time. They’ll learn that the world is a difficult place, and you should teach them how to make it more difficult. Instead of teaching them to be positive and look for the silver lining, lesson or education in any particular situation, please teach them that they are entitled and that whining and complaining is more effective than making changes and working hard.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to not Accept Reality in your Life at Any Cost
So your daughter put on 30 pounds only in her stomach over the last few months and she’s been walking around carrying one hand on it and there is a suspicious looking movement coming from it – and she’s as thin as ever everywhere else. Someone might tell you she’s pregnant at 15, but really, she’s not. You know better than that. She’s just fat. Perhaps you didn’t tell her enough that she’s fat. Even when her water breaks all over your kitchen floor and the baby starts crowning, you keep pointing out that she must have some sort of bladder issue if she didn’t make it to the bathroom in time, and that her indigestion must be awful.
Because reality is overrated. Living in a bubble of perfect happiness and contentment; that’s what life is all about.
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