Tiffany Raiford
Weâve all seen the show Dance Moms. Iâll admit that itâs been on for years and I only just watched it for the first time about a month ago. I came home from cheer practice with my oldest daughter and while she was showering and preparing for bed, it came on television. We didnât watch it, but we kind of watched it as we went about making lunches for the girls for school the next day and straightening up the kitchen.
What a trainwreck.
I mean, honestly; Iâve never encountered such a petty, ridiculous group of women. Arguing over the silliest and least important things life has to offer, yelling at their childrenâs dance coach and basically making a terrible example of maturity and adulthood in front of their children. Iâd heard that Abby, the owner of the dance studio, was the awful one, but listening to these parents speak to her as they did made me wonder if sheâs awful because of what she has to deal with on a regular basis.
I learned nothing â nothing â from watching this show except what I already knew; parents ruin everything. Upon pointing that out to my husband he replied, âThatâs not entirely true. You did learn how not to behave from those women,â and he is correct (as always, but Iâll deny saying that if anyone ever tells him). On that note, here are a few excellent ways to be awful as taught to us by Dance Moms.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Interrupt Everyone
No one really has anything that interesting or important to say to begin with, so please do your best to interrupt everyone as often as possible. In fact, the moment someone else opens their mouth to say something, open yours and argue with them nonstop. Itâs the only way; theyâre so boring and what they have to say is dumb.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Always Raise your Voice
Talking quietly and using a rational tone of voice will get you nowhere. Raise your voice, yell and try very hard to ensure that you are able to be heard over everyone else. Donât be afraid to get shriek-y and a little crazy. In fact, the more irrational you can become, the better.
Donât Listen to your Kids
Kids are overrated, and your job as a parent is to make sure that they are here to be seen and not heard. Of course, if theyâre not cute enough on any given day, leave them home because no one wants to see a kid that isnât cute.
Dance Moms Teaches Us Respect is Overrated
Who needs it, anyway? Respect is so last century. Be rude, be aggressive and be mean. Itâs far more flattering than being kind, generous and respectful. Remember â Aretha Franklin might have said itâs time to show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T but she didnât mean it literally. She was just looking to make a few bucks on a hit song.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Try Very Hard to Make Kids Feel Inadequate
Kids are our future. They are the future presidents and vice presidents and doctors and professors and corporate CEOs and inventors and entrepreneurs â so please, make them feel as inadequate as possible so that they develop no self-esteem. We need cowardly, weak humans running our country â oh waitâŚ
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Not feel Poorly about Calling Kids Names
If your child is acting stupid, by all means tell your child he or she is acting stupid. If your child happens to help herself to a second serving of those potatoes you made with dinner, please point out that sheâs already looking a bit chubby and getting kind of fat. We wouldnât want her to feel good about herself, after all. And donât you let anyone tell you otherwise.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Point out your Childâs Flaws
Yes, this is so important. Constructive criticism teaches no one anything but how to be tactful and polite â and how to improve themselves. Thatâs dumb. Letâs make sure we point out our kidsâ flaws in the meanest and most aggressive way possible. After all, they need to toughen up and man up, right?
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Make Pettiness your Life Goal
If at all possible, please become the most two-faced, petty, disgusting person you know. Donât settle for anything less than the absolute best of the worst. If youâre unsure how to become this heinous, perhaps you can start by being morbidly unhappy for all people in your life who have anything positive going on. For example, âOh, you got a promotion to president of the company? Thatâs so nice. Iâm glad youâll be making a million dollars a year and able to retire your husband so he can spend more time with the kids. Iâm sure heâll be sleeping with the neighborâs wife in a week, flat,â or âOh, youâre expecting a baby after years of infertility and heartache? Thatâs amazing â youâre going to get so fat and probably not lose that weight, but Iâm so super happy for you!â
Remember â being petty is the goal. Petty, unhappy and miserable; work on it.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to Not Worry about Setting a Good Example
Your kids need to learn the hard way; thatâs the best way. Instead of setting a good example of what it looks like to be a good, kind, responsible adult, make sure you show them how to be rude, hateful and angry all the time. Theyâll learn that the world is a difficult place, and you should teach them how to make it more difficult. Instead of teaching them to be positive and look for the silver lining, lesson or education in any particular situation, please teach them that they are entitled and that whining and complaining is more effective than making changes and working hard.
Dance Moms Teaches Us to not Accept Reality in your Life at Any Cost
So your daughter put on 30 pounds only in her stomach over the last few months and sheâs been walking around carrying one hand on it and there is a suspicious looking movement coming from it â and sheâs as thin as ever everywhere else. Someone might tell you sheâs pregnant at 15, but really, sheâs not. You know better than that. Sheâs just fat. Perhaps you didnât tell her enough that sheâs fat. Even when her water breaks all over your kitchen floor and the baby starts crowning, you keep pointing out that she must have some sort of bladder issue if she didnât make it to the bathroom in time, and that her indigestion must be awful.
Because reality is overrated. Living in a bubble of perfect happiness and contentment; thatâs what life is all about.
Photo by Getty Images
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