10 Things I’ll Never Tell My Kids about my Pre-Mom Days


My parents were intimate exactly two times in their lives; when they conceived me and when they conceived my brother. After that, they ceased to touch one another for past 30-something years. Obviously. Because parents don’t do stuff like that. It’s gross. Unfortunately, I come from a family of self-proclaimed comedians who think they are hilarious (they’re pretty funny) and love to make me uncomfortable. Like that one time when I moved out of their house after going to college and my dad said to me, “Keep your key, honey, but call first. Your mom and I like to do it on the couch and now that we’re empty-nesters…you should just call first.” Gag.

Or there was that time my dad told my husband that he bought my mom a book about pickles. They’d literally just been discussing the fact that my dad planted his first ever garden and how things were going and my husband mistakenly assumed that my mom had some sort of weird new obsession with making pickles, and my dad corrected him that it was a book on the art of…well, you can imagine where I’m going with that. My parents do not do stuff like that in my mind, and I’d like to keep it that way.

Too bad for me that my parents love to horrify me as an adult with the things that they did growing up. I tell my husband after every single visit with my parents that there are just some things kids do not need to know about their parents. That’s where this list comes from. It’s my very own, “I wasn’t always a mom, but you don’t need to know everything about me,” list. I’ll never tell my kids a few things about my life before I was a mom – at least not until they’re adults and I feel the need to entertain myself. Read on to find out what I’ll never tell my kids about my pre-mom days.

How I Drank Before I Was Legal

Let’s be clear here; drinking is bad. But it’s so good. When I was a young woman of 18-20, I would head out on the weekends with our friends – including my aunt who is only a few years older than me and my best friend ever in the whole wide world – and my husband (who was just my fiancé back then). My aunt would go to the bar, order a drink and then give it to me in the front of the restaurant so I’d have it when we sat down. The waitress would then come around asking for drink orders and I’d say things like, “I’ll have another Bacardi and diet, please,” and hand her my empty glass, and she’d assume I was legal since I’d already been served. My kids do not need to know this.

That I Never Smoked

Why would I not want my kids to know I never smoked? Well, I want them to think I know what I’m talking about. So I’d rather tell them that I tried it, hated it and felt so sick for days afterward that I knew it was not for me. If I tell them not to do something and then admit I’ve never done it, it makes me feel like a hypocrite. I’d rather just blatantly lie to them. That makes me feel okay.

That I’ve Never Even Seen Drugs (to my Knowledge, anyway)

I’d rather my kids know that mommy never did drugs because she chose not to do it. I don’t want them to know that to the best of my knowledge, I never even had the opportunity. I was a softball player and a cheerleader and on the student government. I was the co-host of my high school’s television news program; I was selected to be one of four “leaders” from my school in the entire county where I grew up; I wasn’t doing that stuff. I’d like my kids to think that I was so confident and cool that I just said, “No thanks,” when I was offered and never worried what other people thought.

How Daddy and I Broke a Table on a Balcony in Mexico

I just laughed. Out loud. For real. This story always makes me smile, and you’re all going to just have to wonder what happened and how my husband almost ended up with the leg of a table in a place that nothing should ever enter and how we almost ended up in a Mexican emergency room – and we were not teenagers on spring break, either. Let’s just leave it at the fact that I was 26 weeks pregnant with our first and we were on our babymoon.

How my Husband and I Snuck Around our Parents

We’re high school sweethearts, and I think that’s awesome. But I also think that there were years when we had to sneak around to be intimate since we were, you know, teenagers. I’ll never tell them about the way we used to use our local park, or the movie theater. Actually, I might be a little ashamed of myself now that I think about it.

Why They’re Not Driving an SUV Under my Roof

Please refer to the above statement….my kids will never have a large car – ever. And there are good reasons for that stemming from my own pre-parenting days, and they’ll never know that.

That I Didn’t Want Kids for a Long Time

My kids are awesome and I love them. But they don’t need to know that I was firmly – firmly – against kids for many years after my husband and I were married. In fact, sometimes I think that I’m still firmly against kids. Now I have four of them, however, and it’s too late for that.

That I Skipped School

I might not have a problem telling my kids I skipped school pretty regularly growing up. I was a great student with high grades, an athlete and very responsible. And sometimes I was tired. So I’d stay home. Or leave early. What I won’t tell them is that I used to pile into the back of my girlfriend’s convertible with six other kids and drive to Daytona for the day when we felt the overwhelming need. That they do not need to know – or consider.

That I Hated my Mom

I’m sure my kids will figure this one out as they become teens. I mean, I do have three girls. They’ll hate me at some point, I know it. But I don’t want them to know that I hated my mom, too. I’d rather them not have the ammunition to feel it’s all right to hate me, or that it’s the thing to do at a certain age. Any tips on how I can force them to love me always?

That I Once Cared What People Thought

What I love about adult-Tiffany is that I really have no care in the world anymore what people think of me. I’m very happy with myself, and I love that. I am surrounded by a group of people that love me – imperfections and all. And I want my kids to think that this is something that comes naturally and not with age. I want my kids to have the kind of confidence I have now as an adult, because it would have made childhood and my teen years so much more enjoyable. So I figure I’ll just let them think this kind of confidence is just a given so that they hopefully pick it up now and roll with it.

Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images


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