10 Things I Can’t Believe I Do Everyday As a Parent

Parents are known for being a bit on a crazy side. It’s all right; it’s something we have to learn to embrace as we learn more about parenting and become more comfortable in this particular role of ours. If you asked me a little over 7 years ago whether or not I’d pick a booger out of a child’s nose with my own finger, I’d wrinkle my nose is disgust and tell you that you’re out of your mind. Now I’m a parent, and I do that just about every day. It’s a mom thing. Just don’t ask me to do the same to any child but my own, because it is not happening. Either way, parents do things every single day that still shock us, horrify us and make us feel completely resigned. Are you part of the same club?

Pick boogers from my kids’ noses

Sometimes there is nothing available with which to sanitarily grab a booger and dispose of it. That means sometimes we stick our finger up the nose of a child and retriever said booger on our own. That’s gross enough without me mentioning that I don’t even squirm or flinch when I do this anymore.

Pick up half chewed, soggy food with my bare hands

What’s a half chewed waffle that was eaten, hated and spit out onto the floor? It’s no big deal; that’s what it is. This is something that our kids do all the time and we don’t even hesitate to grab it and throw it away before we are out of the room. I still can’t believe I do this. I don’t even like my own uneaten food to touch on a plate, but I’m okay with this? Who am I?

Eat food in the bathroom

Because sometimes there are a few chocolate chips left in the bag and you just want to eat them without having to share. So you stick them in your pocket, head to the bathroom and lock the door. This is the one time the pounding, begging and screaming to open up and let me in from outside doesn’t bother you in the least. It’s called parenting; welcome to the bathroom.

Fake a stomach ache for 15 minutes of peace and quiet

Every. Single. Day. My husband must think that I have some health issues or that I cannot eat anything without it disagreeing with me. But the simple truth of the matter is that when the kids get a little bit hyper and crazed at the end of the day before bed time, I will fake a tummy ache, hang out in the bathroom and read for a while pretending like I’m using the bathroom. It’s a real skill.

Wonder if my daughter used my loofah to clean the shower floors as I rub it on myself

I’ve once walked into the master bath to find my 4-year-old squatting and peeing while my 7-year-old hands her a piece of toilet paper to wipe with – and no, the water in the shower is not running when she does this. Our kids love our shower. It’s a big walk –in and it’s spacious and fun, and they like to sometimes go in there to shower instead of their own bathrooms. And one time, my daughter said to me, “I know I took a long time, but I cleaned all the floors in the shower.” It wasn’t until I was using my loofah that night I began to wonder what she cleaned the floors with…

Order sandwiches with nothing on them but condiments

True story. When I go to Publix for subs, this is what I order. This is what my kids like to eat. A half sub with mayonnaise and mustard on it. No meat. No cheese. No vegetables. And no one understands that, ever.

Say things like, “Please stop licking the cat,” on a regular basis

The good news is that we haven’t actually seen the cat in a week, so I haven’t had to say this to the kids in a few days.

Braid someone’s hair while peeing

When you’re running late because your husband leaves early for work and you have four kids to get ready to take two of them to school, you sometimes have to multitask. And that means peeing and braiding at the same time. It can be done, because it will become a talent that you acquire over time. Trust me.

Smuggle broken toys out of my house like an international jewel thief

My daughter has a plastic jump rope that someone gave her in a stocking or a gift basket or something. The ends are made of plastic, and one broke. That meant that there were sharp shards of plastic everywhere. I went to throw it away since it’s clearly not safe to have around the house with four kids and she lost her mind. Lost it. You would have thought that I was throwing her in the trash can to go live in a landfill with bugs and alligators. I mean, really. The kid is overly dramatic. It took me a week to smuggle that thing out of the house without her noticing, and it was a big effort on my part.

Calmly walk around covered in vomit until everyone else is cleaned

One time a few years ago, my oldest daughter and I contracted one of those 24 hour bugs together. We were both vomiting everywhere for a full day. It was not pretty. But that’s all right. When I threw up in the bathroom, she threw up on my bed. Then her bed. Then the one rug in our house of wood floor. Then the couch. We ran out of towels, and sometimes I’d still be walking around with vomit all over me for a while before I was able to drag myself up to clean up everything that required my attention. It was not a pretty sight. But it’s over. But that’s a part of my life now.

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