The day is finally here that you can feed your baby real food for the first time. All right, so real is probably a huge stretch, but it’s more ‘food-like’ than breast milk or formula, so there’s that. The first ‘real’ food baby consumes is a big moment. It’s one of the first real milestones your baby achieves on the road to toddlerhood (and please, stop rushing this. Toddlerhood is overrated and a lot of stress and I implore you to think long and hard about encouraging your kids to walk and talk as you’re going to regret both on numerous occasions). Growing up aside, feeding your baby a kind-of meal for the first time is an exciting moment in the lives of parents, and we don’t want to take away from that. We do, however, want you to know that it’s going to play out a bit differently than you might have imagined. Grab the wipes and prepare yourself; you’ll need it.
There is nothing more hilarious than watching a new parent smell baby food for the first time. Since your pediatrician probably told you to start with veggies, you’re probably horrified by the smell of mashed up peas or carrots, and you probably want to die. Remember, your baby feels the same way, but you’re about to force this down her throat.
What the heck is wrong with you – The Look
Your baby is not going to be as impressed with real food as you might be, and this is what’s going to happen first. Your sweet little darling is going to judge you for the first time with an expression that will make all judgmental and sarcastic parents proud.
The Locked Lips
Ah, yes. My favorite part of feeding a baby for the first time. You spend months trying to get this kid to close her mouth and stop sticking stuff into it (Buttons, remote controls, cell phones…) with no success. Suddenly she’s closed tighter than the White House on a Tuesday. What’s funny about this, however, is the process you’ll resort to getting her to open her mouth. I can’t explain it, but I’m already laughing just thinking about it.
The Head Shake
Do not painc; the exorcist kid is not in your house. I might look like it, but it’s not. Your kid doesn’t want old mashed up peas. No offense, but they’re kind of gross. Take your own peas, mash them up and then eat them. You’re going to spin your head at speeds you never thought possible, too. Just take heed, though, that if you are able to invade Fort Knox baby mouth edition, the exorcism will get real once the green stuff goes flying.
Remember when you used to freak out and wrinkle your nose when baby spit up on you just a little after nursing? Yeah, that was like taking a spa bath after an hour long massage on a child-free day at the spa complete with mimosas and a handsome (shirtless) towel boy. Baby foot spit up is going to kill you. No, seriously; it might actually kill you.
Parents are not very nice people. And no, it’s not because you are the “Worst Mom EVER!” (if you have not yet been called this, don’t panic; it means you’re doing the whole parenting thing correctly) because you won’t let your 12-year-old go to a boy-girl sleepover. It’s because we force nasty, pureed food into your baby’s mouth and then you laugh like a maniac when you see their expression of horror. It’s priceless, so you’re going to want to show it off. You’re also going to want to take a photo. Then you’re going to want to laugh again. Before you realize it, you’ve force-fed your kid so many bites of stuff she hates just for your own pleasure and amusement.
New found Excitement
And then suddenly baby loves everything about what is happening. And you are going to laugh hysterically as she suddenly grabs your arm and tries to force the spoon into her mouth. Then you’re going to laugh when she screams because she wants more. And then you’re going to cry because you’ve realized this is your first real experience with an indecisive little girl and you still have another 18 years or so.
You can’t do anything but laugh at the mess when you’re done feeding a baby. You’re not going to be able to figure out how baby food ended up behind the ears of your kid, in her nostrils or in between her toes. Trust me; baby food defies logic.
The Bigger Mess
You have two choices here; laugh or cry. Some choose to cry, but I choose to laugh. Why? Because otherwise I’m going to run away from home and join the circus and I have no talents so laughing helps handle that struggle for me. The bigger mess; it’s laughable. Not only does your baby have baby food in her ears, so do you. So does the dog (and we don’t even own a dog). It’s on the 23-foot ceilings and it’s 15 feet away on the carpet. But guess what? The high chair is spotless. Go ahead and laugh.
The First Real Food Diaper
Remember when people told you that your baby’s diaper would be less disgusting when he or she was eating real food and it wasn’t just breast milk or formula poo you had to worry about? Yeah, they’re all liars. Go ahead and laugh because this is the only thing that is going to keep you from crying. The mess is something special, I promise you that.
I know I said ten things you’ll find hilarious the first time you feed your baby, but I’m going to throw in a bonus eleventh. You’re suddenly going to realize that you though perhaps you would be able to put the baby in the high chair to eat and enjoy while you do the same at the table, like a real adult again. But you’re not. Your baby is not going to feed herself right away, yet we all manage to think that he or she will. Sometimes parents are just crazy.
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