15 Ways To Fight Fair And Have More Harmony In Your Marriage


Marriage is a wonderful thing but it can also be challenging at times, even when the marriage is made up of two people that are deeply in love and committed to one another.  A married couple sees each other in the best of times and in the worst of times.  It is very important to make a commitment that you will always fight fair and do your part to keep harmony in your relationship.  There are things you can do to help make sure that you don’t do things that are harmful to your relationship that result from being unkind in an argument.  It all starts with learning to fight fair.

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1. Choose Your Battles

If you want to fight fair, you need to remember not to fight over everything.  This is an issue it is easy to trip up on.  It is easy to complain every time that something does not go your way and get into a habit of starting arguments over little things.  A lot of things should be let go rather than argued over.  There are certainly issues that you have to confront but make sure they are of importance before you take that step.  If your arguments are few and far between, your marriage will be better off for it.  You also don’t want your husband to think of you as a wife that constantly complains.

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2. Hold Hands While You Argue

Yes, this sounds crazy and impossible to do but if you try it then you will see that it helps you to fight fair.  Try holding your husband’s hand if you have something that you want to say that they might find upsetting or grow angry over.  If you are holding hands, it is like a silent reminder that in spite of the words you are saying, you love one another deeply.  You are also less likely to grow angry if you are holding hands.  This helps to make sure that you fight fair and don’t stoop down to any behavior that you later regret.  Holding hands has been proven to help couples be calmer and fight fair.

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3. State Your Feelings Clearly

If you have to have a disagreement with your spouse, it is best not to beat around the bush about what is bothering you.  You will feel frustrated if you don’t come right to the point and explain why you are upset and you will be even more frustrated if your spouse doesn’t figure it out.  If you want to fight fair, be clear in stating what is bothering you rather than making the other person guess.  It is much easier to work the problem out if both parties understand what the problem is.  It can also be helpful to state how you feel that the problem could be resolved.

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4. Think Bullet Points

Women absolutely love details, about everything.  They like to hear in depth descriptions and the more they can find out the better.  Men are not like that.  For the most part, men would prefer you to deliver what you are trying to say to them in bullet points.  They don’t need to know every little reason that goes into why you feel the way you do.  The main reason will do it.  A good way to think of it is that women like to hear about subjects in essay form where men only want the main headlines.  If they want to know more, they will ask questions to make sure they understand what you are trying to explain.

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Couple Arguing

5. Don’t Interrupt

All of us understand how frustrating it is when we are trying to explain something, especially if it is something difficult to talk about.  When you are in the midst of a disagreement with your husband, most of what you discuss is difficult to talk about.  Being interrupted will not help you to work things out more quickly.  To fight fair, be a good listener and wait for your turn to speak.  Do not speak over top of one another.  Allow your spouse the chance to speak freely and hopefully they will return the same courtesy to you when you are trying to explain your thoughts and feelings.

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6. Be Open Minded

An argument is going to go very poorly if you have your mind made up that you are completely in the right and your partner is completely in the wrong.  While we are all correct sometimes, a lot of times we are not.  You need to be open minded when you discuss sensitive issues with your husband.  Be willing to hear what they are saying and give them an opportunity to explain their point of view to you.  Ask them to help you understand.  If you do not have an open mind then you are not going to fight fair, because you aren’t even giving them a chance to have their feelings be understood.

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7. Keep It Private

No one else needs to know what goes on between the two of you.  It is your business and your business only.  Make it a rule that you never argue in front of friends and family.  If you want to fight fair, keep it private.  Fighting in front of others paints you both in a bad light.  It is embarrassing to both of you and shows your flaws as a couple.  It also puts others in a very awkward position because they may be tempted to take sides according to who they feel is in the right or which of you they are closer to.  It is just a bad idea and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  Always take your disagreements behind closed doors.

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8. Stick To The Issue At Hand

It is very easy to veer off topic when you are arguing and bring up other issues that are bothering you or disagreements that you have had in the past.  Resist the temptation to this.  If you want to fight fair, you stick to the issue at hand rather kitchen-sinking it.  If your spouse is veering off of the topic, quietly remind them that you are not discussing that particular issue at the moment and you want to get back to the topic you were talking about.  It is hard to not veer off subject but if you remind yourself that you have a goal to fight fair, it may help you.

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9. No Name Calling

Name calling is not the way to fight fair.  Name calling is unkind, immature, hurtful and just needs to be on your list of things that you refuse to do as a couple.  When you are angry, you can be tempted to call one another names because you want to express your anger and that seems like an easy out to do so.  But that is not the way to fight fair.  Remind yourself that you love your spouse very much even if you aren’t in agreement with them at that particular moment in time.  Have the integrity to be a good person, even if you are in the midst of an argument with one another.

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10. Cut The Sarcasm 

Sarcasm is even easier to fall into than name calling because it really doesn’t seem so bad but it is.  To fight fair, don’t use sarcasm.   There is a way to state what you are thinking and feeling without resorting to this behavior.  Try an experiment.  The next time you and your husband have an argument, do not allow yourself to use sarcasm.  Be direct but kind in what you say to them and observe what a difference it makes in how both of you feel and the response that your husband gives you.  You will most likely find that the argument is much less upsetting for both of you and that your husband follows your lead.

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11. Remember You’re On The Same Team

When you are in the midst of an argument, you feel like bitter enemies but you really aren’t.  You are a couple that deeply and dearly love one another.  Even if you are feeling conflicted about your current feelings for your spouse, you undoubtedly loved them deeply once upon a time or you never would have married them.  Reminding yourself that you are on the same team helps you to fight fair.  You both want a resolution to the conflict.  Try to look at the disagreement with the mindset of how you can fix it together.  This greatly helps you when you have set a goal to fight fair.

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12. No Low Blows

All of us have areas in our lives that are sensitive to us.  This might be because of past emotional wounds or something that bothered us so much we haven’t completely moved past it.  You know what yours are and you know what your spouse’s are.  No matter how angry you are, never take a shot at that sensitive area.  You will regret the hurt that you inflict on the one that you love the most.  Fight fair.  Don’t say what you know will wound them for that purpose.  This is another way that sticking to the issue at hand is helpful.  It prevents other areas of your feelings from being hurt.

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13. Take A Time Out

There are some issues that are so difficult that you can’t solve them easily or quickly.  There are some arguments that make you both so upset that you need to take a time out so that you don’t act in ways that you will regret such as calling names or giving low blows to one another.  A time out is a very valuable tool to have when you argue and will help you to be sure that you fight fair.  The trick to an effective time out is to agree that it is temporary and that you will come back to the issue when you have both had time to calm down and gather your thoughts about how to resolve it.

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14. Finish The Argument

It is more important to finish the argument than it was to begin it to share what you are feeling and what you want changed.  Don’t give in to the temptation to stone wall your partner, which means to ignore them and shut down.  Equally important is that you do not give in to the temptation to sweep the argument under the rug so you won’t have to deal with it.  Be adult enough to stay the course until you reach resolution you both feel comfortable and satisfied with.  Don’t allow your emotions to get the best of you.  If you want to fight fair, see the disagreement through until you reach agreement between the two of you.

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15. Apologize When You Are Wrong

Although we all hate the feeling of knowing we are wrong, oftentimes we won’t give in and apologize.  You do your marriage a great disservice when you don’t give an apology when it is due.  Let your spouse know you regret hurting them with things that you said or did.  Be sure that each resolution of an argument ends in a positive manner where you both feel better about your relationship.  Making up is the sweetest part of an argument.  It helps to reestablish good will toward one another and remind you of how much you cherish your marriage.  Something else to remember; there is much less to apologize for when you fight fair.

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