15 Most Damaging Things You Can Say To A People Pleaser

Talking to a people pleaser requires a bit of tact, especially since certain phrases can hit harder than you might expect. Here are 15 potentially damaging things you might say to a people pleaser, along with some insights into why they can be hurtful. 

“You never say no.” 

Telling a people pleaser – “You never say no” – reinforces the message that they must always obey to be valued and ignores the fact that they feel compelled to neglect their own needs. Instead, recognize that everyone has a right to boundaries and support and assure them that it is okay to enforce them when necessary.

“You’re too sensitive.”

Saying this to a people pleaser would invalidate their feelings, and make them feel alienated and misunderstood. That is not something we really want to do. Instead, if you are understanding and offer some strength to the person, it reminds the person that sensitivity is a strength, not a flaw.

“You always put others first.” 

This phrase sounds like a compliment but only confirms the notion that their own needs are less important, and they will suffer stress and discontent as a result. You should instead advise them to engage in self-care activities and express the idea that their well-being is as important as that of any other person.

“You need to learn to say no.” 

This is probably the most difficult message to explain to a people pleaser since it is like stating they are not doing something that everyone does. What you can do instead is offer them your support and give them direction as the person learns to assert themselves and express their own needs.

“You’re a pushover.” 

Allowing someone to believe this massively damages their self-confidence and makes them feel weak. It can also be extremely demotivating for some people. When you feel someone is being pushy, you should take your focus off and support the person in practicing confidence, while protecting their interests.

“Stop trying to please everyone.” 

Although this is excellent guidance for anyone who tries to please people unnecessarily, it might make someone feel like their efforts to create harmony are taken for granted. Even if they had good intentions. Instead of outright calling them out as people pleasers, try to help them balance self-care and pleasing other people.

“You don’t have to be perfect.”

While a lot of people may not take offense when you say this, it is not the right thing to say. A people pleaser can sometimes resort to perfectionism as a way to safeguard against criticism. Remind them that no one is perfect, and their value is not linked to how perfect or spotless they are.

“Have you ever thought about yourself for once?” 

This statement may instigate guilt in the person, as they most likely struggle to put their needs above anyone else’s. And you saying such a sentence only makes things worse. So, teach them to practice self-acceptance by pointing out that everyone is entitled to take care of themselves first sometimes, and this does not make them selfish. 

“Why do you care what everyone else thinks?” 

With this question, you may make them feel alienated. That is because people-pleasers try to always act with empathy. Sometimes out of real empathy and sometimes, not. Instead, you can commend their compassion and ask them to include a little more self-compassion into the equation. This might even change how they look at their responsibilities and roles. 

“You are a bit too nice.”

Although it does not sound that bad, it can come across really improper. This phrase can lead the people-pleaser to believe that their kindness is viewed as a defect. Rather, tell them that you love their compassion and ask them to ensure they are not sacrificing their priorities for others’ gain. 

“You do not have to say you’re sorry.” 

Most people-pleasers seem to be very apologetic even when it is not their fault. This majorly happens owing to a conflict-avoidance motif. And this is generally most common in people who have seen abusive and unstable relationships. Remind them they have a voice and do not need to issue apologies for taking up space. 

“You need to learn how to defend yourself.”

In this statement, you may trigger confrontation fears. Although you may have meant it in a productive way, it generally works the just opposite way. Instead, you can provide them with affirmations and teach them how to set boundaries which will eventually allow them to be more confident. 

“You are allowing people to walk all over you.” 

Most people-pleasers face relationship-related anxiety and suffer from immense stress. Instead of emphasizing their perceived victimhood, you can instead ask them what feeling they hope to evoke more in themselves and help them with guidance on how they can do it. This will also greatly help them assert autonomy in themselves. 

“You do not need everyone to love you here.”

While that is true, most of the time it comes across as a really hard pill to swallow. So, judge where and how you say such kind of statements. You can instead help them in recognizing what it means wholly to connect to people who authentically appreciate what they offer as an individual.

“You’re just a yes-person.” 

This phrase can make a people pleaser feel like their efforts to accommodate others are seen as a lack of backbone or individuality. Instead of labeling them in a way that suggests they lack conviction, acknowledge their efforts to be agreeable and suggest they balance it with expressing their own opinions and desires.