9 Signs Someone’s Apology Isn’t Genuine

9 Signs Someone’s Apology Isn’t Genuine

We’ve all been there—someone hurts our feelings, then offers an apology that somehow leaves us feeling worse than before. Not all apologies are created equal. Some are heartfelt expressions of remorse, while others are just empty words designed to end the conversation. Learning to spot the difference can save you from accepting hollow apologies that lead to repeated hurt.

1. They Say “I’m Sorry You Feel That Way”

This classic non-apology appears considerate at first glance but actually deflects responsibility entirely. When someone uses this phrase, they’re subtly suggesting that your feelings are the problem—not their actions.

The focus shifts to your supposedly oversensitive reaction rather than acknowledging any wrongdoing on their part. It’s a clever linguistic trick that sounds apologetic while accepting zero blame.

Notice how they never actually apologize for what they did, only for how you responded to it. This type of statement often leaves you feeling confused and questioning whether you’re overreacting, which is precisely the goal—to make you doubt yourself instead of holding them accountable.

2. They Add “But” After the Apology

Ever notice how a single word can change everything? The moment someone follows “I’m sorry” with “but,” they’re essentially erasing their apology. That tiny conjunction signals what comes next is actually more important to them than making amends.

“I’m sorry I yelled, but you really pushed my buttons.” There it is—the responsibility boomerang, thrown right back at you. The first half acknowledges fault, while the second half takes it right back.

This verbal sleight of hand attempts to satisfy social expectations of apologizing while simultaneously justifying the harmful behavior. It’s like giving a gift and immediately asking for it back. When you hear that “but,” prepare yourself—what follows rarely accepts responsibility.

3. They Blame Others

Watch for the finger-pointing that often accompanies hollow apologies. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday, but traffic was terrible” or “I wouldn’t have said that if Mark hadn’t stressed me out earlier.” These statements reveal someone unwilling to own their choices.

Genuine remorse acknowledges personal agency regardless of circumstances. External factors might explain behavior but don’t excuse it. When someone consistently outsources blame to other people, weather conditions, or “having a bad day,” they’re showing an inability to accept personal responsibility.

This blame-shifting creates a pattern where nothing is ever truly their fault. Over time, you might notice they live in a world where mysterious outside forces constantly cause them to behave poorly, while they remain perpetually innocent.

4. They Minimize the Harm

“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.” When someone downplays the impact of their actions, they’re revealing they don’t truly understand—or care about—how they’ve hurt you. Minimization shows a fundamental disconnect between their perception and your reality.

Phrases like “it wasn’t that serious” or “everyone makes mistakes” attempt to normalize harmful behavior rather than address it. This tactic aims to make you feel unreasonable for being upset, effectively gaslighting you into questioning your own emotional response.

A sincere apology acknowledges the full weight of harm caused, whether intended or not. When someone consistently trivializes your feelings, they’re showing they value their comfort more than your healing. Their priority is escaping the uncomfortable conversation, not making things right.

5. They Repeat the Same Behavior

Actions speak volumes louder than words. The surest sign of an insincere apology is when the same hurtful behavior happens again…and again. Remember when your friend apologized for always canceling plans last minute? Yet somehow, your next three dinner plans mysteriously vanished from their calendar too.

True remorse naturally leads to changed behavior. When someone repeatedly apologizes without making any effort to change, they’re merely performing remorse to temporarily smooth things over. They’ve learned that saying “sorry” is easier than actually changing.

Pay attention to patterns, not promises. A genuine apology includes an implicit commitment to improvement. Without that commitment, “I’m sorry” becomes nothing more than a get-out-of-jail-free card they play whenever needed.

6. They Demand Forgiveness Immediately

“I said I’m sorry—what more do you want?” This frustrated question reveals they view apologies as transactional rather than healing. When someone expects instant forgiveness, they fundamentally misunderstand what an apology is for—it’s not a magic eraser for harm caused, but the beginning of repair.

Pressuring you with statements like “you need to let this go now” or “I can’t believe you’re still upset about this” shows they believe your forgiveness is an obligation, not a choice. This entitled attitude reveals they care more about escaping consequences than making amends.

Genuine remorse comes with patience. Someone truly sorry understands that rebuilding trust takes time and respects your emotional process. They recognize forgiveness as a gift you may eventually choose to give, not a right they can demand.

7. They Focus on Moving On Quickly

“Can we just put this behind us?” When someone rushes to close the book on conflict before addressing what happened, they’re prioritizing their comfort over resolution. This hasty push toward normalcy often comes before you’ve had a chance to fully express your feelings or see meaningful change.

Authentic apologies allow space for processing. The person rushing you likely fears the discomfort of accountability more than they regret hurting you. They might employ tactics like changing the subject, suggesting a fun activity, or even becoming irritated at your “inability to move forward.”

Healing happens on the wounded person’s timeline, not the offender’s schedule. Someone genuinely sorry understands this and gives you the time you need, even if that means sitting in uncomfortable emotions longer than they’d prefer.

8. Their Tone Feels Insincere

Your gut feeling matters. When someone apologizes with rolled eyes, a flat voice, or while scrolling through their phone, your instincts are picking up the disconnect between their words and their delivery. Body language and tone often reveal true feelings that carefully chosen words try to hide.

An apology delivered with a sigh of annoyance or muttered under their breath communicates frustration at having to apologize, not genuine remorse. Emotional authenticity shows in consistent signals—their facial expression, voice tone, and body language all align with their words.

Think of a time someone apologized while looking you in the eye, with a voice that conveyed real regret. That feeling of sincerity is unmistakable. When those nonverbal cues are missing or contradictory, trust what your intuition is telling you about their true intentions.

9. They Make It About Themselves

“I feel terrible about what I did—I haven’t been able to sleep for days!” Notice how quickly the spotlight shifts from your hurt to their suffering? The self-centered apology transforms them from offender to victim in one swift move.

When someone spends more time describing their guilt than acknowledging your pain, they’re centering their emotional experience. They might cry, detail their self-loathing, or explain how awful they feel—all while never actually addressing what you need to heal.

This performance often leaves you comforting them instead of receiving comfort. The roles reverse as you reassure them they’re not a terrible person, effectively derailing any accountability. A genuine apology focuses primarily on the hurt person’s experience, not the apologizer’s emotional discomfort.