9 Habits Marriage Therapists Recommend Letting Go Of

9 Habits Marriage Therapists Recommend Letting Go Of

Every marriage faces challenges, but some habits can slowly erode even the strongest relationships. Marriage therapists see these destructive patterns every day in their offices. They watch as couples unknowingly damage their connections through behaviors that could easily be changed. Understanding these relationship-damaging habits is the first step toward building a healthier, happier partnership that stands the test of time.

1. Criticism Instead of Complaints

There’s a crucial difference between voicing a specific complaint and criticizing your partner’s character. Complaints address behaviors: “I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done.” Criticism attacks who they are: “You’re so lazy and inconsiderate.”

Marriage experts witness how criticism creates defensive responses that shut down productive communication. Nobody opens up when they feel their core self is under attack. This pattern gradually erodes self-esteem and trust between partners.

Learning to express needs without blame transforms conflicts. Try using “I feel” statements that focus on your experience rather than your partner’s failings. This simple shift from “you always” to “I need” can revolutionize how couples resolve disagreements.

2. Phone Addiction During Quality Time

Phones have become the uninvited third wheel in many marriages. Therapists regularly hear complaints about partners who physically share space but mentally live in their devices. That quick email check during dinner might seem harmless, but it sends a powerful message: “What’s on my screen matters more than you.”

Digital distraction creates a connection gap that widens over time. Partners begin feeling invisible and unimportant, leading to emotional distance that’s difficult to bridge. The constant interruptions prevent the deep conversations that maintain intimacy.

Creating phone-free zones and times isn’t just a nice idea—it’s relationship maintenance. Designate meals, bedtime, or date nights as device-free periods. Your social media feed can wait; your marriage cannot.

3. Scorekeeping and Tallying Past Mistakes

Relationships aren’t competitions with winners and losers. When couples track every mistake, favor, or chore like accountants tallying debts, resentment grows quickly. You might think remembering that argument from three years ago proves your point, but it actually prevents healing.

Successful couples focus on the present issue without dragging in the past. They understand forgiveness means truly letting go, not storing ammunition for future fights. Marriage counselors consistently see how scorekeeping creates a toxic environment where both partners feel constantly judged.

Breaking this habit requires a conscious decision to address current problems without historical references. When tempted to say “You always” or “Remember when you,” pause and refocus on the immediate concern.

4. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Running from uncomfortable topics feels safer in the moment but creates relationship quicksand. Money worries, intimacy issues, or parenting disagreements don’t magically resolve themselves. They fester underground, creating tension that surfaces in unexpected ways.

Therapists observe how avoidance leads to emotional disconnection. When partners stop addressing important matters, they begin living parallel lives rather than shared ones. Small issues grow into insurmountable problems simply because they weren’t addressed early.

Brave conversations build stronger bonds. Setting aside regular time for checking in about challenging topics prevents build-up. Start with “I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind” rather than avoiding or exploding. The temporary discomfort of honest discussion prevents the permanent pain of growing apart.

5. Contempt and Eye-Rolling

Marriage researchers consider contempt the single most destructive relationship behavior. Those sarcastic comments, eye-rolls, and dismissive tones communicate something devastating: disgust with your partner. This emotional poison spreads quickly, destroying respect and affection.

When contempt becomes habitual, partners stop seeing each other’s good qualities. Everything becomes filtered through negativity. Therapists can spot this pattern immediately in how couples interact, even when discussing minor issues.

Rebuilding respect requires intentional practice. Start by catching yourself before that eye-roll happens. Replace contemptuous responses with genuine curiosity about your partner’s perspective. Remember what you admired about them initially. Appreciation and respect can be relearned through daily practice.

6. Stonewalling During Arguments

Shutting down, walking away, or giving the silent treatment might feel like self-protection, but therapists identify this stonewalling as relationship poison. When one partner emotionally checks out during conflict, the other feels abandoned and unimportant.

The silent partner often doesn’t realize they’ve physiologically flooded—their body has entered fight-or-flight mode, making productive conversation impossible. Meanwhile, the other partner grows increasingly desperate for resolution, creating a destructive cycle.

Healthy couples learn to recognize flooding symptoms and request timeouts. “I need 20 minutes to calm down so we can talk better” works wonders compared to silent withdrawal. Taking short, agreed-upon breaks during heated moments allows both partners to return with clearer minds and open hearts.

7. Weaponizing Intimacy

Using physical intimacy as a bargaining chip, punishment tool, or reward system damages the emotional foundation of marriage. Therapists regularly encounter couples where one or both partners withhold affection to gain power or express disappointment.

Physical connection should remain a safe space, not a battlefield. When intimacy becomes transactional, both partners lose. The relationship’s sacred trust erodes as something that should bring closeness becomes associated with manipulation and hurt feelings.

Rebuilding healthy intimacy starts with honest conversations about needs and boundaries. Partners must separate disagreements from their physical relationship. Learning to maintain connection even during difficult periods helps prevent the damaging cycle where everyday conflicts spill into the bedroom.

8. Public Humiliation and Oversharing

Marriage counselors cringe when hearing partners mock each other at parties or share embarrassing stories without consent. Those “jokes” about your spouse’s cooking disasters or work struggles might earn laughs, but they slowly erode trust behind closed doors.

Healthy relationships require feeling safe from public exposure. Partners should be each other’s biggest supporters, not critics. Therapists note how couples who maintain privacy around sensitive issues show greater relationship satisfaction overall.

Protecting your partner’s dignity means thinking twice before posting that unflattering photo or sharing their personal struggles with friends. Ask yourself: “Would I feel respected if they shared this about me?” Building a reputation as your spouse’s champion rather than critic creates a foundation of security and trust.

9. Neglecting Gratitude and Appreciation

The everyday magic of “thank you” and “I noticed” often disappears in long-term relationships. Therapists watch as couples stop acknowledging efforts, assuming appreciation is implied. This gradual fading of verbal recognition leads to partners feeling invisible and undervalued.

Research shows gratitude directly impacts relationship satisfaction. Small acknowledgments create emotional deposits that sustain couples through challenges. When partners feel appreciated, they naturally want to contribute more to the relationship.

Reviving this habit takes minimal effort with maximum return. Mention specific actions you appreciate: “Thanks for handling the school pickup today” or “I noticed how patient you were with my mom.” These moments of recognition create a culture of appreciation where both partners feel seen for their contributions.