14 Signs He’s Not Flirting—He’s Fishing for Attention

14 Signs He’s Not Flirting—He’s Fishing for Attention

Sometimes attention-seeking can look a lot like flirting, especially when someone knows exactly how to spark your curiosity without ever showing real interest.

The difference usually isn’t in the cute comments or the occasional “hey stranger.” It’s in the pattern: does he move things forward, or does he keep you orbiting around him like a human mood booster?

When a guy is fishing for attention, he’s not trying to build connection as much as he’s trying to feel wanted, impressive, or in control of your reactions.

That can leave you feeling oddly drained, confused, or like you’re doing all the emotional heavy lifting.

If you keep wondering, “Is this flirting… or am I just being used for validation?” these signs will make it much clearer.

1. He turns every conversation back to himself

A genuine flirt is curious about you, but an attention-fisher treats your attention like a mirror he can admire himself in.

You’ll notice that no matter what you bring up—your day, your stress, your win—he finds a way to pivot back to his stories, his opinions, or his drama.

Even when he asks a question, it can feel like a setup for him to talk more, rather than a real attempt to understand you.

Over time, the dynamic becomes unbalanced, because you’re essentially serving as his audience and emotional support.

If you leave conversations feeling like you’ve learned everything about him while he knows very little about you, that’s a sign he’s not flirting to connect.

He’s flirting to be seen, praised, and centered.

2. He pops up only when he’s bored (late nights, slow weekends, after his plans fall through)

Real interest tends to be consistent, even if life gets busy, but attention fishing often happens in predictable pockets of boredom.

You might notice his messages arrive late at night, on slow weekends, or right after he’s clearly run out of other plans.

The tone can be flirty enough to hook you, yet vague enough that he never has to commit to anything beyond the moment.

If you respond quickly, he’s suddenly energized, and if you don’t, he may vanish again until the next lull hits.

That pattern isn’t romance; it’s convenience.

You’re not being pursued, you’re being accessed.

When someone only reaches out to fill empty time, it usually means they’re seeking stimulation and validation, not a real connection with you.

3. He compliments you, then immediately looks for reassurance back (“I’m pretty charming, right?”)

Sweet words can feel flattering, but pay attention to what happens right after the compliment lands.

If he follows it with a line that pressures you to validate him—like fishing for a “you’re so amazing too” response—he may be using charm as a shortcut to reassurance.

The vibe can turn oddly transactional, as if he tossed you a compliment coin and now expects one back.

Over time, you might notice that his flirting isn’t about making you feel special as much as it’s about checking whether he still has “it.”

He wants proof he’s attractive, funny, irresistible, or memorable, and your reaction becomes the scoreboard.

Genuine flirting leaves you feeling warmed and seen, not subtly responsible for managing his ego.

4. He flirts in public but goes quiet in private

When attention is the goal, an audience becomes part of the appeal, which is why he may turn on the charm most when others can see it.

In group settings, he’s playful, touchy, or extra complimentary, but when it’s just the two of you, the effort drops off fast.

He may take ages to reply, keep conversations shallow, or avoid making plans that would turn flirtation into something real.

Public flirting can boost his image, feed his confidence, or make him feel desired without requiring actual vulnerability.

In private, there’s no performance payoff, so the motivation disappears.

If the energy seems designed to be witnessed—like he wants people to know he has options—he’s likely not building intimacy.

He’s building attention.

5. He drops “bait” messages like “Guess what…” then disappears

Attention fishing often involves little hooks meant to pull you in emotionally without giving you anything solid to hold onto.

He might send intriguing openers—“You won’t believe this,” “I had a dream about you,” or “We need to talk”—and then conveniently vanish when you respond.

The goal isn’t the conversation itself; it’s the reaction, the anticipation, and the proof that you’re invested.

That kind of messaging keeps you mentally engaged, because your brain wants closure, clarity, and completion.

If he consistently leaves you hanging, it creates an imbalance where you’re doing the emotional chasing while he controls the pace.

Someone who’s genuinely interested doesn’t treat communication like a teaser trailer.

They follow through, explain themselves, and make it easy to keep building momentum.

6. He breadcrumb texts: short, vague, low-effort check-ins that go nowhere

Some guys keep the connection technically alive without ever letting it grow, and it can be surprisingly confusing because it feels like “something.”

You’ll get a random “hey,” a fire emoji on a story, or a “how you been?” that goes nowhere once you reply.

The messages are just enough to remind you he exists, but not enough to prove real interest or create plans.

Breadcrumbing is attention fishing because it keeps you available, keeps his ego fed, and keeps the door open on his terms.

You might find yourself overthinking every small interaction, trying to read meaning into words that were never meant to carry much weight.

Consistent interest has direction and effort.

Breadcrumbing is maintenance, not pursuit, and it often benefits him far more than it benefits you.

7. He’s hot-and-cold on purpose (to keep you wondering)

Inconsistent behavior can happen for innocent reasons, but sometimes the push-pull pattern is the whole strategy.

He’ll be intensely flirty one day, then distant the next, which keeps you unsettled and more likely to chase clarity.

The emotional whiplash can make you work harder than you normally would, because you’re trying to get back to the “good” version of him.

That’s the trap: you end up investing more energy just to stabilize something he keeps destabilizing.

When attention is the prize, unpredictability can be a tool, because it makes your reaction feel like a win every time he reappears.

If he truly liked you, he wouldn’t need a suspense plot to keep you engaged.

Healthy interest is steady, respectful, and not designed to keep you guessing.

8. He love-bombs lightly, then pulls away when you reciprocate

Not all love-bombing looks extreme, because some people do a “lite” version that’s still emotionally manipulative.

He may come in strong with sweet words, big compliments, or intense connection vibes, and then retreat the moment you show genuine enthusiasm back.

That’s a clue the goal wasn’t intimacy; it was the thrill of winning your attention.

Once he has confirmation that you’re interested, the chase loses its value, and he backs off to reset the dynamic.

You may feel embarrassed, confused, or suddenly too “available,” even though you were simply responding normally to the energy he created.

Someone flirting to build something will feel encouraged when you reciprocate, not threatened by it.

If your warmth makes him vanish, he likely wasn’t offering affection.

He was collecting proof that he could get it.

9. He “likes” your posts fast but avoids real conversation

Social media makes attention fishing easy because it creates quick, low-risk ways to stay on your radar without having to show up in real life.

If he’s consistently one of the first people to like your posts, watch your stories, or react with emojis, but he rarely has meaningful conversations with you, the intent may be shallow.

It can feel like flirtation because it’s frequent and focused on you, yet it never develops into deeper effort, clear interest, or actual plans.

That’s the difference between engagement and investment.

Clicking a heart is effortless, and for attention-seekers, it’s enough to keep your attention and keep the door open.

If he’s allergic to real dialogue but addicted to your content, he may be using you for a quick hit of connection without the responsibility of commitment.

10. He only engages when you post a selfie or look like you’re thriving

It’s flattering when someone notices you looking good, but pay attention if his attention spikes only when you’re visibly “on.”

He reacts when you post a selfie, show off an outfit, or share a fun night out, but he’s quiet when you share something thoughtful, vulnerable, or ordinary.

That pattern suggests he’s drawn to the image of you as a status boost, not to you as a full person.

Attention fishing often targets whatever makes him feel energized, desired, or emotionally entertained, and your “highlight reel” is an easy trigger.

You can also notice jealousy-baiting here, because your glow-up content may make him want to reassert a place in your orbit.

Genuine flirtation includes interest when you’re not performing.

If his attention depends on you looking impressive, he may be chasing the feeling you provide, not the relationship.

11. He gets extra flirty when you mention someone else

Nothing exposes attention fishing faster than how someone reacts when they sense competition.

If he suddenly becomes more affectionate, more present, or more bold the moment you casually mention another guy, he may not be “realizing his feelings.”

He may be trying to reclaim your attention.

This kind of flirting often shows up as playful jealousy, pointed questions, or an abrupt increase in compliments and check-ins.

The goal isn’t necessarily to build something with you; it’s to make sure you’re still emotionally available to him.

You might feel pulled into proving you’re not interested in anyone else, which conveniently keeps you focused on him.

True interest doesn’t need jealousy to activate it.

If his charm appears only when he feels replaced, he’s likely reacting to the threat of losing attention, not to the desire for genuine connection.

12. He asks for emotional labor (venting, validation) but offers little back

Some people flirt the way they seek comfort, which means you become their go-to person for validation, reassurance, and soothing.

He may vent about work, talk about his insecurities, or lean on you when he’s stressed, and he’ll often do it in a way that keeps the emotional intensity high.

The problem is that when you need support, he’s nowhere near as attentive, curious, or generous.

This creates a one-sided dynamic where your empathy becomes his fuel.

Attention fishing can look like “deep connection,” but the giveaway is reciprocity: does he care about your feelings as much as he cares about being cared for?

If you’re consistently playing therapist, cheerleader, and emotional safety net, that’s not flirting—it’s extraction.

A healthy connection includes mutual support, not one person repeatedly receiving while the other constantly gives.

13. He keeps things ambiguous—never clear interest, never clear intent

Mixed signals aren’t always accidental, because ambiguity can be extremely useful to someone who wants attention without responsibility.

He’ll flirt just enough to keep you interested, but he avoids defining what he wants, where this is going, or even whether he’s actually available.

If you try to clarify, he may joke it off, change the subject, or tell you you’re “overthinking,” which conveniently keeps him from having to show up with honesty.

The fuzzy gray area benefits him, because he gets your time, emotional energy, and availability without having to commit to consistent behavior.

You may find yourself doing mental gymnastics to interpret his words, because he won’t say anything directly.

Real flirtation can be playful, but it doesn’t live in permanent uncertainty.

If the connection feels like it has no shape, that’s often because he’s keeping it that way on purpose.

14. He disappears after he gets the reaction he wanted (attention secured, mission accomplished)

The clearest sign of attention fishing is what happens right after you give him what he was chasing.

Once you respond enthusiastically, compliment him back, or show that you’re emotionally engaged, he suddenly goes quiet.

It can feel like he hit a button and then walked away, because in a sense, he did.

He was looking for proof that he still has access to you, that he can still create a reaction, and that he’s still desirable.

After he gets that confirmation, the urgency fades, and so does his effort.

This can leave you feeling silly for caring or wondering if you said something wrong, when the truth is that you gave him exactly what he wanted.

Someone who’s genuinely flirting because they like you will build on your response, not disappear from it.

If he treats your attention like a refill, he’ll keep coming back only when he’s running low.