13 Manipulative Behaviors Narcissists Display Toward Their Exes

13 Manipulative Behaviors Narcissists Display Toward Their Exes

Breaking up with a narcissist doesn’t always mean the relationship is truly over. Many narcissists continue their patterns of control and manipulation long after a relationship ends. Understanding these tactics can help you recognize when your ex is trying to maintain unhealthy power over you. Here are thirteen common behaviors narcissists use to manipulate their former partners.

1. Gaslighting

Narcissists excel at making you question your own reality. When confronted about past behaviors, they’ll flatly deny events that definitely happened or twist your words until you’re dizzy with confusion.

“That never happened” and “you’re too sensitive” become their mantras, leaving you second-guessing your memories. They might even recruit others to back up their false version of events. This psychological manipulation is especially damaging after a breakup when you’re trying to process what went wrong.

By rewriting history, they maintain control over your perception and prevent you from trusting your own judgment—keeping you vulnerable to their influence even after the relationship ends.

2. Distorting Reality

Once you’ve ended things, a narcissist often launches an all-out assault on your reputation. They contact mutual friends, family members, and even colleagues with carefully crafted stories painting themselves as the victim and you as unstable or abusive.

Social media becomes their weapon of choice, where they post thinly veiled references to your “crazy behavior” or “emotional problems.” The stories often contain just enough truth to seem believable, while distorting reality in significant ways.

These campaigns serve multiple purposes: they gain sympathy, isolate you from support networks, and preemptively discredit anything negative you might say about them. Many exes find themselves suddenly defending their character to people who previously respected them.

3. Hoovering

Just when you think you’re finally free, he suddenly reappears in your life. He tries to suck you back into the relationship through seemingly innocent contact. They might send a casual “just checking in” text or claim they need your help with something only you understand.

Perhaps they’ve had a convenient crisis right when you’re moving on, or they suddenly remember your birthday with an extravagant gift.

The timing is rarely accidental—they often sense when you’re healing and swoop in to disrupt your progress. These attempts might seem harmless or even sweet on the surface, but they’re calculated moves to reestablish contact and eventually regain control over your emotions and decisions.

4. Silent Treatment

Narcissists weaponize silence to punish and control their exes. They might disappear completely when you need to discuss important matters like shared finances or childcare arrangements. No calls, no texts, no emails—just deafening silence.

This tactic leaves you hanging in uncertainty, unable to move forward with practical matters. You find yourself anxiously checking your phone, wondering what you did wrong, even though the relationship is over.

The silent treatment creates a power imbalance where they control when and how communication happens. When they finally do respond, they act as if nothing happened, making you feel unreasonable for being upset. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you psychologically tethered to them long after the breakup.

5. Emotional Blackmail

“If you really loved me, you’d meet me just one more time.” Narcissists excel at using your emotions as leverage to get what they want after a breakup. They might threaten self-harm if you don’t respond, or claim they can’t live without you.

Sometimes the manipulation is subtler—hinting that mutual friends are judging your behavior or suggesting your family is disappointed in how you’ve handled things. They know exactly which emotional buttons to push because they installed them during your relationship.

This form of manipulation exploits your compassion, guilt, and sense of responsibility. Even when you recognize the manipulation, it’s difficult to ignore someone who seems desperate or in pain. The narcissist counts on this reaction to keep you emotionally invested and responsive to their demands.

6. Triangulation

Suddenly your ex is posting pictures with someone who looks suspiciously like you—same hair color, similar style. Or maybe they casually mention how their new partner “doesn’t have your issues” during a necessary conversation about dividing belongings.

This strategy introduces a third person into your dynamic to create jealousy, competition, or insecurity. The new person might not even know they’re being used as a pawn in this manipulation game.

Narcissists might also triangulate with family members or mutual friends, telling different versions of stories to different people to create confusion and conflict. By keeping multiple people emotionally invested in them, they maintain a sense of control and importance while preventing direct communication that might reveal their manipulation.

7. Love-Bombing After the Breakup

Maybe he sends you a gift unexpectedly. Then come the heartfelt letters reminiscing about your best moments together. Suddenly your ex is promising therapy, personal growth, and everything you ever wanted from the relationship.

This flood of affection and promises feels sincere in the moment. The narcissist may even believe their own promises temporarily, creating a convincing performance of change and devotion. However, this behavior typically vanishes once they feel they’ve regained your trust or interest.

The moment you show vulnerability or openness to reconciliation, they revert to their previous controlling patterns. This cycle of intense affection followed by disappointment keeps you emotionally tied to them, hoping the loving version will eventually stay permanently.

8. Playing the Victim

Narcissists expertly flip the narrative after a breakup, recasting themselves as the selfless partner who was cruelly abandoned despite their tremendous sacrifices. They conveniently forget their harmful behaviors while exaggerating any mistakes you made.

Social media posts hint at their suffering without naming you directly—vague statements about “staying strong through betrayal” that friends and family instantly recognize as references to your relationship. This victim stance serves multiple purposes: it garners sympathy, shields them from accountability, and makes you look like the villain.

Many exes find themselves defending their decision to leave to mutual friends who’ve only heard the narcissist’s distorted version of events, creating additional emotional stress during an already difficult time.

9. Control Through Finances

They might “forget” to pay their share of joint bills, forcing you to cover everything to protect your credit score. Or perhaps they delay signing documents to transfer property or close shared accounts. Some narcissists go further by hiding assets during divorce proceedings or making false promises about financial settlements.

They may even use children’s expenses as excuses to maintain contact and control, questioning every purchase you make for the kids. This financial manipulation creates practical problems that keep you engaged with them long after the emotional relationship ends.

Each interaction about money becomes an opportunity for them to assert dominance, extract concessions, or simply make your life more difficult as punishment for ending the relationship.

10. Intermittent Reinforcement

The most confusing aspect of dealing with a narcissistic ex is their unpredictable behavior. One day they’re cooperative and almost kind about co-parenting arrangements; the next day they’re hostile and threatening for no apparent reason.

This inconsistent treatment creates a powerful psychological effect similar to gambling addiction. You never know when you’ll get the “jackpot” of decent treatment, so you keep trying different approaches to win their cooperation. The unpredictability keeps you analyzing their moods and behaviors long after the relationship ends.

You find yourself walking on eggshells during necessary interactions, never knowing which version of your ex you’ll encounter. This psychological roller coaster maintains their control by keeping you mentally preoccupied with them and their reactions.

11. Parenting Manipulation

As expected, children become pawns in the narcissist’s game of control after a breakup. They might suddenly become the “fun parent” who breaks all the rules and buys extravagant gifts, making you look strict by comparison. Or they question your parenting decisions in front of the children, undermining your authority.

Many narcissistic exes pump children for information about your personal life or new relationships. They might subtly encourage kids to feel guilty about enjoying time at your house or with your new partner. This manipulation extends to scheduling as well—last-minute cancellations of their parenting time or demands for changes to the custody arrangement that benefit them.

The children’s emotional wellbeing becomes secondary to winning the power struggle with you, creating confusion and loyalty conflicts for kids caught in the middle.

12. Rewriting History

The narcissist creates an alternate version of your relationship where they were nearly perfect while minimizing or denying their harmful behaviors. They conveniently forget the times they betrayed your trust or treated you poorly.

This revised history often includes exaggerated accounts of your flaws or mistakes. Small disagreements become major conflicts caused entirely by you in their retelling. They might even claim credit for your accomplishments or positive traits. The most frustrating aspect is how confidently they present these distortions—they seem to genuinely believe their own fiction.

This revision of history isn’t just about saving face socially; it’s about controlling the narrative of the relationship even after it’s over, preventing you from trusting your own memories and experiences.

13. Discard and Devalue

The same person who once called you their soulmate now acts like you’re completely insignificant. They might walk past you at social events as if you’re a stranger or respond to necessary communications with cold, dismissive brevity. This emotional whiplash is particularly painful because it contrasts so sharply with how they treated you during the idealization phase of your relationship.

They might openly praise their new partner for qualities they criticized in you, or suddenly develop interests they mocked when you enjoyed them. The devaluation serves to protect their fragile ego by reinforcing that they rejected you, not the other way around.

By treating you as worthless, they convince themselves they’ve lost nothing valuable. This behavior is often most extreme when they have a new supply of attention and admiration, making their indifference feel like a personal attack.