12 Things Not to Say When Your Adult Child Is Struggling

12 Things Not to Say When Your Adult Child Is Struggling

When your adult child is struggling—emotionally, financially, or otherwise—it’s only natural to want to swoop in with advice or tough love. But words, even well-intended ones, can either build a bridge or widen the gap. In these pivotal moments, the wrong phrase can sting, shame, or shut them down entirely. As parents, our language carries weight long after the conversation ends. That’s why it’s essential to speak with empathy, not judgment. This list highlights 12 common phrases that may do more harm than good—plus why they backfire. If connection matters more than correction, these are the words to rethink.

1. “You need to grow up.”

Shaming your child with this phrase creates an instant wall between you. Adults facing challenges aren’t being childish—they’re experiencing real difficulties that deserve compassion.

Instead of dismissing their struggles as immaturity, try saying, “I know this is hard. What kind of support would be helpful right now?” This opens conversation rather than shutting it down.

Remember that maturity isn’t measured by never struggling, but by how we face our challenges. Your adult child needs an ally, not a critic.

2. “When I was your age…”

Comparing eras rarely helps someone who’s hurting. Today’s young adults face unique pressures from social media, economic uncertainty, and rapidly changing career landscapes that didn’t exist decades ago.

Your experiences, while valuable, happened in a different world. Rather than drawing comparisons, simply listen to understand their specific situation.

A better approach might be: “I can’t imagine exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here to listen.” This acknowledges the uniqueness of their journey without diminishing it.

3. “You’re just being lazy.”

Behind apparent inaction often lies anxiety, depression, or overwhelming stress—not laziness. This label stings particularly deep because it attacks character rather than addressing the real issue.

Many struggling adults are fighting invisible battles. What looks like procrastination might actually be paralysis from fear of failure or perfectionism.

Try this instead: “I notice things seem difficult lately. Is there something making it hard to move forward?” This question invites honesty without judgment and shows you care about the underlying causes.

4. “Why can’t you just…?”

Starting advice with these words oversimplifies complex problems. If the solution were truly that simple, your child would likely have tried it already.

This phrasing suggests there’s an easy fix they’re somehow missing or avoiding. It can make them feel even more frustrated and misunderstood.

A gentler approach would be: “Have you considered trying…?” followed by your suggestion. This frames your idea as an option to explore together rather than pointing out a perceived failure.

5. “Just cheer up.”

Emotions don’t have an on/off switch. Telling someone to simply feel better trivializes their experience and can actually deepen their sense of isolation.

Sadness, grief, and anxiety are natural responses to life’s challenges. Acknowledging these feelings is an important part of processing them. Instead, try saying: “It makes sense that you’re feeling down. I’m here with you through this.”

This validates their emotions while offering companionship during a difficult time—something far more helpful than suggesting they should just snap out of it.

6. “It’s not a big deal.”

What seems minor to you might feel genuinely overwhelming to your adult child. It’s easy to forget that your perspective is shaped by a different time, place, and set of life experiences—ones that may not match theirs.

When you downplay their concerns, even unintentionally, it can send the message that their feelings don’t matter or aren’t valid. Over time, this can lead to emotional distance and reluctance to open up.

A more supportive approach is saying, “I see this is really affecting you. Tell me more.” This communicates both empathy and a genuine desire to understand their point of view.

7. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Self-compassion isn’t self-pity, and expressing vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s an act of trust. When your adult child opens up about their struggles, they’re inviting you into their emotional world, not wallowing for attention.

Saying something dismissive in response can shame them for having normal, human reactions to difficulty. Everyone needs space to feel and process before they can move forward.

A better response might be: “It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time. What might help you feel stronger right now?” This validates their pain while gently encouraging reflection and resilience at their own pace.

8. “You have so much to be grateful for.”

Gratitude can coexist with struggle—one doesn’t cancel out the other. When your adult child is going through a hard time, reminding them to “be grateful” may seem helpful, but it often feels dismissive.

It implies their pain isn’t valid because others have it worse, which only adds guilt to an already heavy emotional load. Struggles don’t disappear just because blessings exist.

A more compassionate response might be: “I know this is hard, even though there are good things in your life too.” This affirms their experience while recognizing complexity, offering empathy instead of a forced silver lining.

9. “You’re overreacting.”

This phrase immediately puts your child on the defensive. Their emotional response makes perfect sense to them based on their perception of the situation.

Telling someone they’re overreacting often has the opposite effect—intensifying their feelings because now they feel misunderstood on top of their original distress. Emotions need acknowledgment before they can settle.

Instead, try: “This situation has really triggered some strong feelings for you.” This observation validates their emotional experience without judgment while opening the door to exploring those feelings further.

10. “Look at your sibling/peer…”

Comparisons wound deeply, especially when they come from someone your child loves and trusts. Every individual’s journey is shaped by unseen struggles, personal growth, and timing that can’t be measured against others.

When you compare your adult child to a sibling, peer, or anyone else, it can feel like a subtle way of saying they’re not enough. This only adds pressure and erodes self-worth during an already vulnerable time.

A healthier alternative is saying, “I believe in your ability to find your own path.” It reinforces your trust in them and honors their unique process without unnecessary benchmarks.

11. “You just need to work harder.”

Hard work matters, but it’s rarely the only factor in success. This oversimplification ignores mental health barriers, systemic challenges, and the complex reality of modern adult life.

Many struggling adults are already pushing themselves to their limits. Suggesting they simply aren’t trying hard enough can be demoralizing when they’re giving everything they have.

Consider saying: “I notice how much effort you’re putting in. What obstacles feel most challenging right now?” This acknowledges their work while exploring what specific support might actually help them move forward.

12. “After all I’ve done for you…”

Love and support should come without strings attached. Using past sacrifices to induce guilt creates an unhealthy dynamic where your child feels indebted rather than loved.

This phrase shifts focus from their needs to yours at a time when they’re already vulnerable. It suggests your help comes with expectations of certain outcomes or gratitude.

Instead, try: “I’m here for you now, just like I’ve always been.” This reaffirms your unconditional support without creating pressure or obligation during their struggle.