10 Ways Moms Prove They’re Not Nearly as Cool as They Think They Are


At 31, I’m totally still relevant and cool. Like, totally, dude. I might have four kids, yo, but that doesn’t make me not down with the posse. In fact, it makes me even hotter, like, fo’ shizzle. Tonight, for example, I have to get ‘my hair did,’ and last night I busted a move with my kids when we had an impromptu dance party in the family room. Like I said, I’m too cool for school. Word. Except there is one small issue with my obvious coolness; my kids don’t see it. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s because they are only 7 and 4, so they’re clearly not smart enough to notice the cool factor. But then the twins are only 1 and they see how cool I am. I guess maybe it’s because they’re so blinded by my husband’s un-coolness that maybe they associate his lack of cool with me, which is so not cool, man. Either way, moms are pretty cool people – but only to ourselves. Our kids do not see the cool. We are officially our own parents, and our kids are us with the eye rolling and the attempt to veil their horror is not a good one. So, while we’re not as in the loop as we might have been (I literally just learned that a tea bag is not something that you just put in your water when you would like a cup of tea, for instance), it’s our own fault we are uncool, and becoming less cool by the minute.


We Break the Rules

So, listen to how cool I am – I am, like, such a rule breaker, peeps (slang!). I gave my kids McDonalds even though it’s not organic. And I don’t cloth diaper. And I used the epidural. And I let my second-oldest daughter’s teacher potty train her. And I sometimes turn the monitor down when the twins are napping so I can pretend they’re still napping and not playing. And I supplemented with formula with all four of my kids! Somebody call 911 – I’m a rule breaker. Hashtag don’t tell me what to do. Yo.


We are Down with Technology

In fact, I am absolutely capable of using my laptop to turn it on, off and even get on the internet once my husband shows me how to connect. And I totally just bought a selfie stick. Yes, I did. And once my kids showed me how to use it and hook my phone up to it, I’m like a total pro now. Hashtag selfie life.


We Drink when we are Not Supposed to

Like for breakfast. We did it as teens and we’re still doing it as adults. Like that time we went to the movies to see a kids’ film (major motion picture? Flick?) with our two oldest and I poured some Bacardi in a water bottle and enhanced my diet coke throughout. Yeah, that was me.


We Ride Dirty

In our minivans and big SUVs. Okay, lie. I do not ride dirty. And I do not drive an SUV. In fact, I have a minor panic attack if anyone even thinks about getting in my car with dirty shoes or mentions something like, “Let’s stop for something to eat on the way.” Um, no, not in my SUV, peeps (slang!). But a lot of people my age do ride dirty. They ride dirty in their minivans and giant SUVs filled with old French fries and missing chicken nuggets, toys, discarded DVDS with pictures of the Backyardigans on them…


We Listen to Trendy Music

I know all the words to Ananconda. Because most of them are the words from “Baby Got Back,” but that is neither here nor there. Of course, the first time I downloaded the unedited version and listened to it all the way through, I kind of had a minor heart attack and said things like, “What the hell is this? What happened to goo music? When I was growing up, music was actually good,” and then I immediately switched it up for a little “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.”


We Stay Out Late

Just three weekends ago, in fact, we didn’t arrive at our destination until close to midnight while on vacation. We can stay out late. We’re cool like that. So what if it takes us a solid week to recover from being up that late, and no one was counting the number of times four adults in their 30s said things like, “I haven’t seen midnight since the kids were babies.” Whatevs (slang!).


We Use Hip Slang

No, scratch that. We use unhip slang. Because, apparently, words like “Fo’ shizzle” and “yo” and “holla” are no longer cool. According to my niece, placing ‘hashtag’ in front of everything is cool. I think she’s incorrect, though. I said to the cashier at the supermarket just last night, “Hashtag I’m ready to drink this wine,” and he looked at me like I was crazy, and he was a teen. So, she’s wrong, yo.


We Get Trendy

I recently ordered this very trendy mint shift dress with long sleeves and an open bag, a slightly shorter than normal hemline and a totally gorgeous shape. I was dying to wear it. And I’m not going to lie; I might be turning 32 in September and I might have 4 kids, but I have a banging body and legs for days (oh yeah, I’m bragging). But when I put it on, I couldn’t even lift my arms without seeing the exact place from which I gave birth to all four of my kids, and I sent it back. Also, it was made of some sort of cheapy material so I (hashtag) sent that crap back and pulled out the DvF.


We Dance

Wobble baby, wobble baby, wobble…or what about the Cupid Shuffle? These are in no way the equivalent of the YMCA or the Electric Slide our parents once embarrassed us by dancing. These are cool. I’ve seen kids do them. Although I was unaware I was supposed to put quite that much wobble into my wobble, if you get my drift.


We Sleep Late

Just this morning, in fact, I slept late. My husband took the day off to spend some time with the kids because he’s been crazy busy at work lately, and I slept until 7 am. What what! Holla! Fo’ reals! Whatevs, alarm!

Photos by Getty Images


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