Here’s What the World Would be Like if Men Could be Pregnant

Imagine sitting back with your ice cold beer in the middle of a hot August afternoon enjoying the weather and a good time with your friends and family while your pregnant spouse, a week overdue and huge, sits miserably all hot and tired and OVER IT. Now, imagine that you are the woman and your pregnant spouse is your husband. Let’s all take a moment to sort out our uncontrollable laughter. Imagine a man a week past his due date in the middle of the summer heat. That is hilarious. First and foremost, we all know that not one man in our lives could even handle the idea of pregnancy, let alone the actual act of pregnancy. Men can’t even handle a sniffle without acting as if they are going to die (I’m going to say that my husband is amazing when he’s sick, and he never complains or acts like a man-child, so I’ve very fortunate). But what would the world really be like if men got pregnant? We have a few thoughts on this one that might just make you laugh.

There Would be a lot of Wine-ing (and Whining)

If men had to carry a child around for 9 months and still do everything else in life, they’d whine like little kids all the time. And we’d wine all the time. Because, let’s face it, we are not pregnant so we get to wine all the time and enjoy that while they are miserable.

Their Secret would be Safe Forever

The second we women look a little bit bloated, we must be pregnant. Men tend to sometimes always look a little pregnant with their beer bellies, so they could get away with being pregnant without anyone noticing a little longer. Of course, the lack of beer in their hand at the big game would be a bit of a giveaway, but it’s not like your friends don’t notice the suspicious absence of wine in yours so maybe there wouldn’t be any secret keeping after all.

ESPN would be more Fun

The number one NFL draft pick will sit out his first season playing for the NFL as he’s just announced he and his wife are expecting their first born. It’s estimated that he’s just out of the first trimester, which makes him ineligible to make summer training camps and play. Good thing half that several million dollar contract was guaranteed because he will probably stick around for the insurance and then turn around give his two weeks’ notice before he returns from paternity leave. Oh the drama.

Someone on Capitol Hill would Make Pregnancy Brain Legal

Women have it, and we know it’s real. But if men suffered from pregnancy brain, it would immediately come into action in the nation’s capital to have it turned into a legal medical issue that would probably provide paid time off work and an acceptable legal defense when pregnant criminals commit crimes. “But it was pregnancy brain,” would be the defense and experts would hand down a long list of “Not Guilty” verdicts as a result.

The Bathroom would be a Mess

Remember that moment you officially could no longer see your toes and you were a bit miserable from that point forward? It really meant that you couldn’t see anything – and forget shaving in just a few seconds with that thing in the way. But imagine what would happen when men could not see their…other little man….and try to use the restroom? Without seeing it, can they reach it? And without that, do they have any control over where things end up as they’re using the bathroom? We don’t even want to know, to be honest.

Baby Name Books would be So Different

Men carrying a baby would expect the final say in the naming, since we all know that we women do this to our husbands. “Sure, honey, I love your suggestion and if it’s a girl we will keep it on the list but what about….” and then you know what happens after that. If men were pregnant however, classes would be less filled with Ava’s and Addison’s and there would be a lot more “Rambo” and “Hulk’s” in class in our opinion.

The Workplace would be Very Feminine

Because let’s face it; if men had to be pregnant, they’d call in sick all the time and it would literally just be women in the office on a regular basis. We could stand all day long and work our behinds off while super pregnant with triplets or something, but they couldn’t handle a few hours of morning sickness in the first trimester without bed rest and three months medical leave to recuperate.

Pregnancy Announcements would be so Simple

Forget amazing pregnancy announcements and amazing gender reveals. All men will do is send a quick text or maybe not even mention it to their friends and family until after the baby is born. The text might read, “Sober until June,” or “Knocked up. ETA June,” or something like that, to which his friends might reply, “K,” or “Can I take the beer out of your fridge? Cool, dude,” or something to that effect.

Or else the conversation might go, “Hey mom. Baby was born. We’re good. Oh, I forgot to tell you I was pregnant? Well, you know, football season takes up so much of my mind these days so I probably forget to mention it during the season. Sorry. Anyway, it’s a girl if you want to buy some clothes or diapers or something. Are diapers girl and boy or are they all the same?”

No, that wouldn’t happen. You’d still tell the friends and family he was knocked up. But you get what we are trying to say here. Men are just simple creatures and they wouldn’t be able to handle the pregnancy, but the little things would be so insignificant to them. To be truthful, we’d love to see them in labor. I mean, LOVE to see that.

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