10 Things Therapists Wish You’d Stop Saying About Your Relationships

10 Things Therapists Wish You’d Stop Saying About Your Relationships

We’ve all been there — venting to a friend, scrolling through relationship advice on social media, or justifying our partner’s behavior with a phrase that sounds a little too familiar. The truth? Some of the things we say about love are less “wise insight” and more “emotional self-sabotage.” Therapists hear these same phrases every single day, and they’re usually red flags hiding in plain sight.

1. “Relationships shouldn’t be this hard.”

The idea that love should feel effortless sounds nice in a rom-com, but it doesn’t play out in real life. Relationships are complex because people are complex. When you expect everything to flow perfectly all the time, you set yourself up for disappointment.

Therapists often explain that “hard” doesn’t always mean “bad.” It might mean you’re learning to communicate better, navigate differences, or set boundaries. Growth isn’t always comfortable — and neither is love when it’s pushing you to evolve.

Instead of assuming difficulty means doom, ask yourself whether the challenges are helping you grow together or wearing you down. If it’s the first, you might be exactly where you’re supposed to be.

2. “They should just know what I need.”

It’s tempting to believe your partner should intuitively sense your feelings — like some kind of emotional superhero. But therapists will tell you that expecting mind-reading is one of the fastest ways to breed resentment.

People express and interpret love differently. You may think your hints are obvious, but your partner might not pick up on them at all. That’s not lack of care — that’s lack of clarity.

Healthy relationships thrive on communication, not assumption. Try expressing your needs directly and kindly. It’s not unromantic; it’s mature. And ironically, once you stop expecting them to “just know,” they’ll probably meet your needs more often.

3. “I can change them.”

You might see the potential in your partner — the “if only they’d just…” version of them. But therapists will tell you this line of thinking leads to heartbreak more often than not. You can inspire someone, yes, but you can’t change them.

When you fall in love with potential instead of reality, you set yourself up for disappointment. People change when they want to, not because someone loves them enough to make them.

A therapist would encourage you to ask: “Can I love this person exactly as they are right now?” If the answer is no, you’re not in love — you’re in a project. And relationships aren’t meant to be renovations.

4. “That’s just how I am.”

This one sounds like self-acceptance, but it’s usually a defense mechanism. Therapists hear it when someone wants to avoid accountability or growth. “That’s just how I am” shuts down the possibility of positive change.

Every relationship requires some level of adaptability. You don’t have to erase your personality, but you do have to recognize when your behavior might be hurting your connection.

True self-awareness means understanding that “how you are” isn’t set in stone. You can honor your individuality and still choose to grow. In fact, that’s exactly what healthy relationships call for.

5. “If they loved me, they’d… [fill in the blank].”

It’s easy to fill in the blank — call more, help out more, say “I love you” more often. But therapists point out that this phrase assumes love looks the same for everyone. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

You might crave words of affirmation while your partner expresses love through actions or time spent together. The mismatch doesn’t mean they don’t love you; it just means you’re speaking different emotional languages.

Instead of testing their love, talk about what makes you feel loved. You’ll get better results by teaching your partner your language than by expecting them to guess it.

6. “We never fight, so we must be perfect.”

On paper, this sounds ideal. No conflict, no drama — right? But therapists know that a total lack of disagreement often means something else: emotional avoidance.

Disagreements are natural. They help couples work through issues and understand each other’s perspectives. Without them, problems just go underground and resurface later, usually in worse ways.

A relationship isn’t measured by how often you fight, but by how you fight. Healthy couples can argue respectfully and still feel connected afterward. So, if you’ve never had a disagreement, it might be time to ask — what aren’t we talking about?

7. “I’m the only one trying.”

Few phrases sound as lonely as this one. It often comes from someone who feels unseen or exhausted from carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. Therapists hear it as a sign that the balance has tipped too far.

Sometimes, though, it’s also a sign of control. One person may believe they’re the only one trying because they’re defining what “trying” should look like. That can create resentment on both sides.

Before giving up, step back and assess the situation. Is your partner really not trying — or just trying differently than you? Clarity (and maybe a joint therapy session) can reveal which it is.

8. “Maybe we should take a break — again.”

Breaks can help people gain perspective — but when they become a regular part of your relationship cycle, they usually signal instability, not growth. Therapists often describe on-again-off-again patterns as emotional whiplash.

Taking space only helps if you use it to reflect, not to avoid. If every “break” ends with the same unresolved issues, you’re not healing — you’re pressing pause on the inevitable.

Instead of hitting reset every time things get tough, try having the hard conversations you’ve been dodging. It’s the only way to know if the relationship can truly evolve.

9. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Those eight words can quietly dismantle emotional intimacy. Therapists say shutting down communication — especially during conflict — doesn’t prevent problems; it just delays the fallout.

When you avoid tough topics, resentment builds like pressure in a sealed container. Eventually, something small will make it explode. Talking things through may be uncomfortable, but it’s far less painful than bottling them up.

Next time you’re tempted to stay silent, take a breath and try again later when you’re calmer. “I need time to cool down before we talk” is far healthier than “I don’t want to talk at all.”

10. “That’s just how relationships are.”

This phrase might sound accepting, but it’s often a quiet surrender. Therapists hear it when people have normalized dysfunction — whether that’s constant fighting, lack of affection, or emotional neglect.

Believing that all relationships are miserable keeps you stuck. It convinces you that wanting more is unrealistic. But healthy love does exist, and it’s not about perfection — it’s about mutual respect and emotional safety.

If you catch yourself saying this, take it as a wake-up call. You don’t have to accept “bare minimum” love. You deserve something that feels calm, connected, and kind — not “just how it is.”