11 Ways We End Up Gaslighting Ourselves in Relationships

11 Ways We End Up Gaslighting Ourselves in Relationships

Sometimes the worst critic in our relationships isn’t our partner—it’s ourselves. We often dismiss our own feelings, doubt our memories, and convince ourselves that our needs don’t matter. Self-gaslighting happens when we question our own reality and make excuses for treatment that doesn’t feel right. Understanding these patterns can help us trust ourselves again and build healthier connections.

1. Dismissing Your Feelings

Your emotions start bubbling up after an argument, but instead of listening to them, you shut them down. “I’m just being too sensitive,” you tell yourself, pushing away feelings that actually deserve attention.

Emotions exist for good reasons—they signal when something needs our care or when boundaries have been crossed. When you constantly label your reactions as “overreacting,” you lose touch with valuable information about your relationships.

Valid feelings don’t need permission to exist. Start by simply noticing when you dismiss yourself, then pause and ask what your emotions might be trying to tell you about the situation.

2. Blaming Yourself for Everything

Every disagreement becomes your fault in your mind. “If only I hadn’t said that” or “I should have known better” becomes your automatic response to conflict, even when both people played a role.

Taking responsibility feels mature, but shouldering all the blame isn’t fair or accurate. Relationships involve two people, and problems usually stem from multiple factors, not just your actions or words.

Healthy relationships require shared accountability. Next time conflict arises, try asking yourself: “What was my part, and what was theirs?” This balanced view helps you learn without drowning in unnecessary guilt.

3. Rewriting Hurtful Events

Something painful happens, but within days you’ve convinced yourself it wasn’t so bad. “They didn’t really mean it that way” or “I’m probably remembering it wrong” becomes your way of coping with hurt.

Minimizing painful experiences might feel protective, but it prevents you from processing what actually happened. Your initial reaction to hurtful behavior usually reflects the reality of the situation more accurately than your later revisions.

Trust your first instincts about how events affected you. Writing down incidents shortly after they happen can help you maintain clarity about your experiences and validate your original feelings.

4. Doubting Your Intuition

Red flags wave right in front of you, but you talk yourself out of seeing them. “I’m just overthinking this” becomes your go-to phrase when gut feelings try to warn you about concerning patterns.

Intuition combines unconscious observations with past experiences to alert you to potential problems. When you consistently override these signals, you miss important information that could protect your wellbeing and help you make better relationship choices.

Your inner wisdom deserves respect and attention. Start small by honoring intuitive feelings in low-stakes situations, building trust in your ability to sense when something feels off or right.

5. Minimizing Your Needs

Your needs feel too big, too much, too inconvenient. “I shouldn’t need this much attention” or “Other people have it worse” becomes your way of shrinking yourself to fit into spaces that feel too small.

Everyone has legitimate needs for connection, respect, and care. Convincing yourself that your needs are excessive doesn’t make them disappear—it just teaches you to ignore important parts of yourself that deserve nurturing.

Your needs aren’t selfish; they’re human. Practice stating one small need clearly this week, whether it’s asking for a phone call or requesting help with something. Notice how it feels to honor yourself.

6. Invalidating Your Boundaries

Boundaries feel mean or selfish, so you convince yourself you don’t really need them. When you do set limits, guilt creeps in immediately, making you question whether you have the right to protect your own space and energy.

Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re gates that help you choose how to share yourself with others. Feeling guilty about having limits often means you’ve been taught that other people’s comfort matters more than your own wellbeing.

Healthy boundaries create safer relationships for everyone involved. Start with one small boundary this week and practice sitting with any guilt that comes up without immediately removing the limit you’ve set.

7. Rationalizing Bad Behavior

Hurtful actions get wrapped in understanding explanations. “They’re just stressed from work” or “That’s how they show they care” becomes your way of making sense of treatment that doesn’t feel good.

Empathy is beautiful, but not when it requires you to accept harmful behavior. Understanding why someone acts poorly doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the impact of their actions on your wellbeing and happiness.

Reasons explain behavior but don’t excuse its effects on you. You can have compassion for someone’s struggles while still expecting them to treat you with basic respect and kindness in your relationship together.

8. Forgetting Your Own Truth

Your memory of events starts shifting under pressure. “Maybe I’m remembering this wrong” becomes easier to believe than standing firm in your recollection of what actually happened between you and your partner.

Gaslighting works by making you doubt your own perceptions, and you can end up doing this to yourself. Your memory isn’t perfect, but consistently questioning your recollection of significant events disconnects you from your own experience.

Trust your perspective while staying open to other viewpoints. Keep notes about important conversations or incidents. Your truth matters, even when others remember things differently or try to convince you otherwise.

9. Overriding Your Discomfort

Situations make you squirm inside, but you force yourself to act fine. “I should be okay with this” becomes your mantra when everything in your body signals that something feels wrong or unsafe.

Discomfort often carries important messages about mismatched values, crossed boundaries, or situations that don’t serve your wellbeing. Ignoring these signals can lead you into compromising situations that damage your self-trust and personal integrity.

Your comfort level matters and deserves attention. When something feels off, pause and explore why before pushing through. Sometimes discomfort protects you from situations that aren’t right for you.

10. Shaming Yourself for Wanting More

Dreams of deeper connection feel greedy. “I should be grateful for what I have” or “I’m being too needy” becomes your response to natural desires for more love, consistency, or emotional intimacy in your relationships.

Wanting more connection, respect, and joy isn’t ungrateful—it’s human. Shaming yourself for these desires keeps you stuck in relationships that only partially nourish you while convincing you that settling is noble.

Your heart knows what it needs to thrive. Honor your desires for deeper love without immediately labeling them as too much. Healthy relationships grow when both people feel free to want more goodness together.

11. Silencing Your Inner Voice

Your thoughts and desires get pushed down to keep things smooth. “It’s not worth the fight” becomes your reason for staying quiet about things that matter to you, choosing peace over authenticity.

Silencing yourself might prevent immediate conflict, but it creates distance between you and your true self. Relationships built on hiding your real thoughts and feelings lack the genuine connection that makes love fulfilling and lasting.

Your voice deserves to be heard, especially by people who claim to love you. Start small by sharing one authentic thought or preference this week, even if it might create minor waves in your relationship.