7 Reasons People Cheat in Relationships, According to Couples Therapists

7 Reasons People Cheat in Relationships, According to Couples Therapists

Infidelity rocks relationships to their core, leaving both partners struggling to understand why it happened. While cheating is never justified, therapists who work with couples daily have identified patterns that help explain what drives someone to stray. Understanding these underlying causes doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can provide valuable insight for healing and preventing future betrayal.

1. Seeking Validation to Boost Shaky Self-Esteem

The allure of feeling desired can be irresistible when someone’s self-worth is crumbling. Therapists often discover that behind the betrayal lies a person desperate for confirmation that they still ‘have it’ or are worthy of attention.

This validation-seeking behavior rarely has anything to do with their partner’s actions. Instead, it stems from deep-rooted insecurities that external validation temporarily soothes but never truly heals.

Many clients report feeling ‘alive’ or ‘seen’ during affairs, revealing how the cheating serves as emotional medication rather than genuine connection. The brief high of being wanted becomes addictive, creating a cycle that’s destructive to both relationships and personal growth.

2. Physical Disconnection and Thirst for Excitement

What once felt electric in the bedroom can slowly turn routine. Many couples therapists report that unmet needs—especially when desires go unspoken—can leave one or both partners more open to temptation.

The human brain craves novelty—it’s wired that way. After years with the same partner, some individuals mistake the natural evolution of intimacy for a problem that needs fixing through outside excitement.

Interestingly, the affair rarely delivers better physical connection—just different experiences. What’s really being chased isn’t superior intimacy but rather the neurochemical high of new encounters, which temporarily masks deeper relationship issues.

3. Emotional Starvation and the Hunger to Matter

Sometimes affairs begin with simple conversations where someone finally feels heard. Many therapy sessions reveal how emotional neglect creates fertile ground for infidelity—not because someone actively seeks an affair, but because they desperately crave emotional nourishment.

‘My spouse stopped seeing me years ago,’ is a common refrain therapists hear. When partners stop sharing meaningful conversations, celebrating successes, or supporting each other through difficulties, emotional bonds fray dangerously thin.

The affair partner often simply fills an emotional void by showing interest and appreciation. This emotional connection frequently proves more powerful and addictive than physical attraction, making these affairs particularly devastating to primary relationships.

4. Creating Distance Through Betrayal

Fear of true intimacy drives some people to sabotage their relationships when things get too close. Therapists recognize this pattern in clients who unconsciously create catastrophes to maintain emotional safety distances.

Vulnerability terrifies those who’ve been hurt before. When a relationship deepens past comfortable levels of intimacy, cheating serves as an emergency brake—creating instant emotional distance through betrayal.

Many who follow this pattern report feeling simultaneously relieved and devastated after their infidelity is discovered. The relief comes from escaping uncomfortable closeness, while the devastation stems from harming someone they genuinely care about. This paradoxical response reveals how deeply unconscious these protection mechanisms operate.

5. The Passive Exit Strategy

Breaking up requires courage many people lack. Therapists frequently observe infidelity serving as an indirect escape route from relationships clients have already emotionally abandoned but can’t bring themselves to end directly.

Rather than having difficult conversations about relationship dissatisfaction, some individuals unconsciously orchestrate discovery of their affair. Getting caught becomes the catalyst for the breakup they secretly wanted but couldn’t initiate themselves.

This passive approach transfers responsibility for ending the relationship to the betrayed partner. ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen’ often translates to ‘I couldn’t admit I wanted out.’ While this avoidance spares the cheater from initiating an uncomfortable breakup conversation, it ultimately causes far deeper hurt to everyone involved.

6. Chasing Aliveness Amidst Relationship Flatness

It’s natural for long-term relationships to shift from fiery passion to steady companionship. But for some, that evolution feels less like growth and more like emotional flatlining. Therapists often see this sense of “deadness” pushing partners to chase intensity outside the relationship.

The mundane rhythms of shared lives—bills, chores, schedules—can slowly suffocate the spontaneity that once defined the relationship. When one partner equates routine with disconnection, they may desperately seek to feel emotionally alive again through forbidden connection.

The affair provides a temporary escape from life’s predictability into a fantasy realm where responsibilities disappear. This contrast between everyday reality and secret passion creates a powerful but ultimately unsustainable emotional cocktail that rarely addresses the real relationship issues.

7. Childhood Wounds Reopened in Adult Relationships

Our earliest experiences with love and attachment create templates for adult relationships. Therapists often discover how unresolved childhood trauma drives seemingly inexplicable infidelity patterns. Someone abandoned by a parent may unconsciously expect and even create abandonment in adult relationships.

These childhood wounds operate beneath conscious awareness. A person whose needs were consistently ignored growing up might interpret normal relationship disappointments as proof they’ll never truly matter to anyone, making outside attention irresistibly validating.

The affair temporarily soothes old pain while actually reinforcing harmful patterns. Many clients express genuine shock when therapy reveals these connections between past wounds and present betrayals. This awareness often becomes the crucial first step toward healing both childhood trauma and the relationship damage it caused.