8 Things to Stop Doing for Your Grown Kids (If You Want a Better Relationship)

8 Things to Stop Doing for Your Grown Kids (If You Want a Better Relationship)

Parenting doesn’t end when your children grow up, but it definitely changes. Many parents struggle to adjust their roles as their kids become adults. Finding the right balance between supporting your adult children and allowing them independence can be tricky. Here are eight habits to break if you want to build a healthier relationship with your grown kids.

1. Solving Their Problems Without Being Asked

The moment your adult child mentions a challenge, do you immediately jump in with solutions? This automatic problem-solving might have worked when they were younger, but now it can feel like interference.

Your grown kids need space to figure things out on their own. They’re developing crucial life skills through trial and error. When you rush to fix everything, you unintentionally send the message that you don’t trust their capabilities.

Instead, try asking, “Would you like my advice on this?” This simple question acknowledges their autonomy while leaving the door open for your wisdom when they actually want it.

2. Making Financial Rescues the Norm

Remember that time your adult daughter called in a panic about her overdrawn account? Your immediate money transfer might have felt like love, but regular financial bailouts create unhealthy dependency.

When financial rescues become routine, adult children miss crucial opportunities to develop budgeting skills and financial responsibility. They learn to rely on your safety net rather than building their own.

Consider offering guidance instead of cash. Help them create a budget or suggest resources for financial education. For genuine emergencies, you can still help, but make it clear that regular bailouts aren’t sustainable for either of you.

3. Dropping By Their Home Unannounced

“I was just in the neighborhood!” might seem harmless, but surprise visits to your adult child’s home can feel invasive. Their space represents their independence and adulthood.

Your grown kids need to feel their home is truly theirs. Unexpected visits, regardless of your good intentions, can create tension and resentment. They might be busy, relaxing, or simply wanting privacy.

A simple text or call before visiting shows respect for their boundaries. This small courtesy acknowledges that they’re adults with their own lives and schedules, strengthening your relationship through mutual respect.

4. Giving Unsolicited Advice About Their Relationships

You’ve noticed red flags in your son’s new relationship. Your parental instinct screams “Warning!” But commenting on their romantic choices without invitation often backfires spectacularly.

Adult children typically guard their relationship decisions fiercely. When you offer unwanted relationship advice, they may feel judged or defensive, potentially pushing them away or even closer to problematic partners.

Build trust by asking open questions instead. “How are things going with Sam?” creates space for them to share concerns if they have any. When they do ask for your opinion, offer it gently, focusing on their happiness rather than your preferences.

5. Maintaining Their Childhood Bedroom as a Shrine

That soccer trophy collection gathering dust. High school debate team photos yellowing on the wall. Keeping your grown child’s room exactly as they left it sends a powerful unspoken message: you’re waiting for them to return to their former selves.

While preserving some meaningful mementos is natural, maintaining a full shrine can make adult children feel like you’re stuck in the past. It subtly communicates that you haven’t accepted their adult identity.

Consider gradually transforming their old space while respectfully storing truly significant items. Discuss which belongings they want to keep, and which can be donated or repurposed.

6. Criticizing Their Parenting Choices

“We never did it that way when you were little!” Those words can create instant tension between generations. Your grown children’s parenting approaches may differ dramatically from yours, and that’s perfectly normal.

Parenting styles evolve with each generation. When you criticize how they’re raising your grandchildren, you risk damaging both your relationship with your adult child and your relationship with your grandkids.

Support their parenting journey by asking about their reasoning instead of questioning their methods. Remember that different doesn’t mean wrong, and today’s parents have access to research and resources that weren’t available in your day.

7. Comparing Them to Siblings or Peers

“Your brother already owns a house” or “Your cousin finished her PhD by your age.” These comparative comments might seem motivational, but they typically wound adult children deeply, reopening childhood insecurities.

Comparisons ignore the unique path each person follows. Your adult children have different strengths, challenges, interests, and timelines. When you measure them against others, you diminish their individual journey and achievements.

Try celebrating their specific successes, however small. Acknowledge their progress on their own terms. This approach builds confidence and preserves your relationship, while comparisons only create distance and resentment.

8. Expecting Constant Contact and Updates

“Why haven’t you called?” The guilt-inducing text message that makes grown children cringe. While you naturally want to stay connected, expecting daily calls or immediate responses to every message creates unnecessary pressure.

Adult children juggle careers, relationships, possibly their own families, and various responsibilities. When you demand frequent check-ins, you add another obligation to their already full plate, potentially making communication feel like a chore rather than a pleasure.

Quality matters more than quantity. Agree on a reasonable rhythm of communication that works for both of you. Maybe it’s a weekly call or monthly dinner, with occasional spontaneous chats in between.